Relationship Tune-up

Relationship Problems: Are you having a hard time listening to your spouse/partner?

Is your brain being programmed not to listen?

I recently read that neuroscientists (people who study the way the brain works) are speculating that ongoing exposure to the Internet may actually alter the wiring of people's brains—especially all those young developing  brains that spend hours being inundated with multiple streams of information.

After reading this I did an informal survey and I asked people if they feel that they've had more difficulty focusing. I also asked about the amount of stress they're dealing with, as well as the amount of time spent on the Internet. Not surprising, people who spend several hours a day surfing the net complained that it has been more difficult focusing on tasks that require sustained concentration—even when they feel stress isn't a factor in their lives. 

And each person agreed that their concentration problems have spilled over into their marriage or relationship.

Without a functional attention span you cannot be attentive to and listen to your partner

Distressed couples often complain that the communication process has broken down in their relationship and, more specifically, that their partner is no longer listening.  Communication issues are often listed as the top reasons couples seek out counseling and are a major contributor to marriage problems.

If the information age is creating brains that are best able to efficiently absorb small and multiple bits of information, then a likely outcome will be that more and more couples will fall prey to communication problems—after all, doesn't every speaker need a listener who will concentrate for more than minute at a time?

Focused attention: The antidote for the distractible spouse 

If exposure to thousands of quick, alternating bits of information is re-programming the concentration centers of your brain (which is great for multitasking, but terrible for long, meaningful conversations), wouldn't it make sense that tasks that require you to steady your focus would do the opposite and end up helping your concentration? 

Research shows that different meditative practices offer numerous health benefits, including improved concentration.  Part of the meditative practice involves learning to focus your attention, for instance, by narrowing your awareness on the rhythms of your breathing. In a sense, you're retraining the muscle of attention to focus rather than remain the victim to the fleeting sensations that surround you.

I believe this has direct implications for couples who struggle with information overload and are now having difficulty slowing down to listen to one another. And I don't believe you have to commit to a full-blown meditative practice to reap the benefits of improved concentration.

Relationship Quick Tip: A simple way to get him to listen

When communicating with your husband or boyfriend, try to hold onto this simple fact about men:

Your man wants to please you

and

He can easily feel like a failure

When a woman feels hurt, she seeks out the support of others—when a man feels hurt, he feels like he has lost control and failed someone. Men often cope with these feelings by shutting down emotionally. So when you tell your husband or boyfriend, "We never go out anymore" or "You used to buy me flowers, what happened to Mr. Romance?" he hears, "I'm unhappy and you've failed to make me happy."

Emotionally, this message is devastating for men (though he'll never admit it) and to cope with feeling like a failure, he will do what he does best when under stress: withdraw from the source of pain in an effort to protect himself.

You can use this information to facilitate communication. Choose your words wisely. So when you talk to your guy, try not to focus on what's lacking. Rather than saying, "We never go out anymore" (which he'd hear as, "You're really messing up") try, "You'd make me so happy if we could go out to eat this weekend."

Focus on the positive impact his behavior has on you ("I love it when you…"). Also highlight the specific behaviors that he's done in the past that you'd like him to repeat more often. Don't assume he already knows this—when it comes to relationships and intimacy, guys do best with a detailed blueprint that spells out how to make you happy.


Until next time,

Rich Nicastro, Ph.D.
www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com 

How to defuse an argument

Arguments and conflict are a natural part of intimate relationships. Whenever two people live in close quarters and allow themselves to become vulnerable with each other, sooner or later misunderstandings and conflict are likely to result.

When handled with tact and sensitivity, conflict can have an important function in your relationship or marriage. A conflict can help clear the air of pent-up resentments; it can act as a powerful form of communication that lets your partner know what is important to you. Conflict can even pave the way for smoother times, giving your partner a blueprint to better understand your needs.

When conflicts become too intense, a cycle of attack and counter-attack prevents any real communication from occurring. Arguments that are repetitive and spiral out of control offer no benefit for the couple. The goal should therefore be to keep the level of intense emotions that accompany conflict manageable.

In its simplicity, this may seem like an easy task. However, keeping your cool in a heated moment requires a great deal of resolve. You will need to listen to your partner's message and show that you understand his/her position. (This of course doesn't mean that you give up your position in the argument.)

3 steps to defusing an argument:

1. Place your opinion temporarily on hold (easier said than done, especially if you feel that you are being treated unfairly) and take a few deep breaths to relax your body (physical tension is common during arguments and will only fuel your frustration—you can even call a momentary time-out if you're feeling too overwhelmed).

2. Tell your partner or spouse that you want to understand his/her perspective. To really listen, you must step outside your ego and put a stop to any thoughts that criticize your partner for her/his position. Try to become authentically curious about why s/he is having that particular reaction.

3. Look for the kernel of truth in your partner's position—the truth that exists in your spouse or partner's perspective. Maybe s/he feels that you've been inconsiderate in some way or that you haven't been keeping up with your share of the household responsibilities. Whatever the case, your partner's viewpoint feels totally valid to him/her and trying to dispute this will only increase the divide between you. So listen carefully and work toward understanding, rather than formulating a counterattack.

We all want to feel understood, especially by our loved ones. When statements of understanding begin to enter into the conflict, you'll be surprised at how quickly the intensity of the argument decreases. And with a decrease in emotional intensity, the stage will be set for more effective communication to occur.

Until next time,

Rich Nicastro, Ph.D.
www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com

 

  

Relationship Basics: Have your forgotten the basics of a great relationship?

You often hear struggling athletes say that they have to "go back to basics." After years of repetition, it's easy to lose sight of the fundamentals they need to stay on top of their game.  Often they need an outsider's perspective (i.e., a coach) to help them determine which fundamentals they've been neglecting. 

Many couples fall into the same trap. There are many reasons why relationships lose their footing, but often couples who end up in trouble lose sight of certain relationship basics. And once those basics are forgotten, a formerly-solid relationship is at risk for spiraling out of control.

Let's take a brief look at some relationship basics. Some of these might sound familiar to you; to keep your relationship healthy, it's often not a matter of learning new things but holding onto tried-and-tested wisdom. 

Relationship Basics: The 7 C's

1. Commitment

Commitment is about hanging in there, for the good times and the bad. Commitment lets your partner know that you are serious about the relationship; it's the foundation that allows trust to develop and intimacy to flourish. Most importantly, commitment allows you to place the relationship above your own needs at times.

2. Communication

You don't have to become a chatterbox to effectively communicate. Simply check in with each other once in a while. Find out if the relationship is working for your partner by asking questions like: "How are things between us? Is there something you need from me that you're not getting?" When couples stop communicating, they become roommates instead of soulmates and might ultimately get their needs met elsewhere.

The Dance of Intimacy

The decision to reject love and intimacy (and to withhold love) can stem from a conscious decision or for unconscious reasons (e.g., you feel unworthy of love). In a previous post I discussed how impaired self-esteem can lead you to reject overtures of love due to deep-seated beliefs that you are undeserving. When this occurs, you place a ceiling on the positives you are able to take in. In this case, the partner who feels unworthy brings these long-standing issues to his/her marriage or relationship, and those issues have a powerful influence on the course of the relationship.

As one of my readers astutely pointed out, another reason for one partner's rejection of love and intimacy might stem from the dynamics of the relationship itself.  Let's look at this aspect of blocked intimacy more closely.

The relationship dance

The relationship as a dance is an appropriate metaphor to help us better understand the dynamics of intimacy. (Don't worry, you can have two left feet like me and still grasp the implications of this metaphor.) During a literal dance each partner reacts--very often you react to your partner's moves and s/he reacts to yours.  So in your relationship you and your partner are continuously acting and reacting to each other. Imagine you and your partner having this brief exchange:

You: I didn't like it when you made fun of me in front of everyone. You know I'm embarrassed about being clumsy.
Partner: I was just kidding. And I didn't make the joke until I realized you were okay (and that you didn't fall on the cat that was at the bottom of the stairs).
You: But that wasn't funny, it felt hurtful.
Partner: (visibly and audibly annoyed now) Geez, I said I was sorry. What more do you want from me? (Exits the room, slams the door on the way out…)

In this interpersonal dance how do you think your would react to your partner's apology? Would you just hear the words "I'm sorry," or would you react to his/her tone of voice? In this case you might reject the apology because his/her emotional message sends a very different and conflicting message. So you might remain closed off and your feelings of hurt unresolved.

If, on the other hand, the apology felt genuine to you, you might forgive her/him and your relationship dance will get back into step.

Marriage help: Improve communication and build a stronger relationship

Boomerang Effect: what you send to your partner will come back to you.

I think I only threw a boomerang couple of times in my life. With a little practice I was able to get the boomerang to glide through the air, turn around and fly directly back to me. And then, like many fickle kids, once I mastered it I hung up my boomerang and didn't think about it again.

Until…

I thought about that old boomerang during a recent counseling session with a couple struggling with intense conflict. When the husband threw criticism at his wife, criticism came flying back toward the husband. Like a boomerang in action, criticism always brought a return of criticism. I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised. After all, I've never seen someone respond to criticism with, "You know, you're absolutely right. I've been a total idiot lately and I need to be more considerate." Criticism makes people defensive and uncomfortable, and people often deal with that defensiveness by finding something they can criticize. Therefore, criticism begets criticism.

Then something remarkable happened. In the midst of the negativity that was boomeranging back and forth, I noticed that whenever one spouse said something that was almost compassionate or kind, the negativity weakened and on a few occasions, kindness was returned. I started to observe this positive boomerang effect with other couples: Compassion and positive sentiments frequently led to exchanges of additional positive sentiments.

When I pointed these patterns out to couples (how sending out positive or negative energy often returns positive or negative energy), most had no idea that this was happening. I'll bet that most couples don't realize the power of the boomerang effect--what you send out into the relationship will, sooner or later, come back to you.

Inoculate Your Relationship

The concept of the boomerang effect is simple but the implications for your marriage or relationship are far-reaching. By making a conscious effort to send out positive energy (in the form of loving statements, support and validation), you are creating an atmosphere that will invite the return of positive energy. This will deepen intimacy and over the long run, inoculate your relationship against the stresses that befall all couples.

Problems arise when couples enter into long-term cycles of negativity. When resentments and hurt feelings accumulate, sending out a few loving sentiments will not immediately bring a positive return. It's a mistake to give up when this occurs, even if you've spent an entire week or month being loving, kind and supportive. The negativity that erodes relationships occurs over months or years and it will take patience to tip the scales back to the positive. But if you're patient and consistent, you'll be surprised to find that sooner or later something good will come back to you.

Obviously, you don't have to wait for problems to arise before you throw the first positive boomerang your partner's way. Regularly sending positive sentiments toward your partner today, when things are going well, can protect your relationship tomorrow.   

Until next time,

Rich Nicastro, Ph.D.
www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com       

Relationship Advice: Change your thinking and your relationship will follow

The Pitfalls of All-or-None Thinking

Everyone has bouts of "all-or-none" thinking from time to time. "My butt always looks fat in these jeans."  "My boss never recognizes my hard work." But when you regularly resort to all-or-none thinking in your relationship, you place your union (and your partner) on an extreme end of the spectrum--usually the negative end. When you fall into the all-or-none trap, you convince yourself that your partner always behaves in problematic ways or that s/he never follows through in positive ways.

Examples of "All-or-None" thinking:

"You never pick up after yourself…"
"I can never win with you…"
"You always say that!"
"I do everything with the children. You never help out."

Couples are particularly vulnerable to all-or-none thinking. Why is this the case? Marriage and intimate relationships stir up intense feelings--both negative and positive. And strong, negative feelings feed all-or-none thinking.

For example, your husband makes you a cup of tea because you're not feeling well. This is a positive experience that might make you feel cared for and loved. Now imagine a different scenario. Your husband leaves a mess in the kitchen and when you talk to him about being neater, he snaps, "Don't treat me like a child!"

Which interaction are you more likely to remember a week or month later? If you said the negative event, you're in the majority. Not because you're a downer and dwell on the bad. It's simply because negative experiences leave an emotional residue that's more pronounced and therefore easier to remember.

Here's the problem: These negative residues accumulate and they can easily overshadow the positive that exists in your relationship or marriage. When this occurs, your attention is being pulled toward the negative--it's like mental binoculars focused on the negative aspects of your relationship.

This causes the positives to get filtered out and before you know it, your thinking becomes biased and it begins to feel like your partner is "always messing up" or "never" doing what s/he is supposed to.

Essential Relationship Skills -- Learn Patience

The Importance of Developing Frustration Tolerance

Frustration tolerance (FT) is a skill you (and your partner) need if you want a healthy, fulfilling relationship.  FT is the ability to deal with any experience that does not work out in your favor and therefore triggers strong feelings. Just think of the young child at Toys R Us who starts screaming and collapses to the floor when his parents refuse to buy him the latest toy. This is an example of someone with no FT.

We all have to learn to deal with frustrating situations--this is a hallmark of maturity. Some of us are better at this than others.

While any marriage or your relationship is likely to feel harmonious and effortless at times, you've probably noticed that relationships are hard work-- poor FT skills can damage your relationship over time, and effective FT skills will go a long way in helping you do the meaningful work that all relationships need.

Teach Yourself Patience

Relationship challenges require considerable emotional skill on your part--in particular, patience. FT skills lead to patience. Telling an impatient person to "be patient" is often futile if they've never learned the skills that lead to patience.

Patience doesn't have to be something mysterious.  It is a learned skill (learned from your caregivers and family). This is good news because you're never too old to improve your Frustration Tolerance skills.

Today we will briefly examine one way to improve your FT

Lying to your partner

The Little White Lie that grew

I lied to my wife the other day--something I don't typically do (and didn't feel good about doing). And there was absolutely no reason to lie.  I was planning to vote in the local primary after I got home from work, but I wasn't feeling well so I decided not to head back out in the rain, even for my civic duty.

When she got home later, she casually asked me if I voted and for some reason I said "yes." She knows me really well and could tell I was lying. But here's the really interesting thing: as she continued to ask me about voting (she wanted to see how deep a hole I would dig for myself), I felt the need to lie further in order to avoid the initial embarrassment of having lied in the first place. Despite the fact that my wife is very even-tempered and doesn't often "get mad" at me, I felt like a little kid about to get in trouble.

Of course she trapped me (she cleverly asked what I thought about the new voting system and, because I didn't realize anything had changed since the last time I had voted). After several painful, squirmy minutes I "admitted" that I didn't vote. She asked me a valid question, one I later reflected on: why did I feel the need to lie in the first place? 

What seemed to happen is that once I lied, the motivation to cover-up the initial lie created layers of other lies. The motivation for subsequent cover-up lies isn't necessarily the same as the motivation behind the original lie. Lying can snowball out of control.

Let's look at some of the common reasons why lying can creep into your relationship:

Relationship Advice: Make a small change and set the stage for a great day

Quick Tip:

If you want to improve your relationship, think small: Pick one tiny behavior that you've been wanting to change about yourself (or a behavior that drives your partner up a wall) and commit to changing it. I know, easier said than done. But if it's a small change--something that wouldn't take a lot of effort--you can definitely succeed. And don't kid yourself, small changes add up to big differences.

I've seen this first-hand in my work with couples. The key is persistence. Many people make the following mistake: they identify a behavior that they want to add or subtract from the relationship, such as adding the behavior of holding hands more often, and they do this for several days. And then they wait and observe. What are they looking for?