Relationship Tune-up

Relationship advice: Change yourself, change your relationship

Usually when couples are in trouble, each person feels the other is being unreasonable and uncompromising. These perceptions feed resentment and prevent further communication. The strain on the relationship or marriage causes significant distress and the couple finds their way to me for help.

Part of my role is to assess what exactly is troubling the couple. Each person usually has a unique perspective as to why things have broken down. In addition to finding out what is broken, I explore what works--the couple's strengths. Emotional pain often obscures the many resources that people bring to their relationship. An important part of my role is to coach and redirect each person back to the healthy parts of their relationship, while also fixing what is broken.

Relationship change follows self-change

I've seen this over and over again in my work with couples.  When each partner acknowledges that s/he needs to alter something about his/her own behavior for the sake of the relationship, something important begins to shift in their marriage or relationship.

This is especially the case when each person notices how hard the other person is working toward the betterment of the union.  It is inspiring to observe your partner fighting for the relationship. It sends a message of commitment--that the relationship is very important (a feeling that is often lost when marital or relationship distress is high).

Feelings and behaviors are also contagious. Have you ever noticed how people are drawn to upbeat, positive people? It's because the moods and actions of others influence your own. So when you begin to work on and feel better about yourself, this positive energy will transfer to your partner. So if you observe your partner making efforts to be a better communicator and be more affectionate, you're going to be motivated to behave in a similar fashion.

Don’t save your support for the bad times: Celebrate your partner’s good news!

If you’re in a committed relationship, you’re probably already aware of how important it is to be supportive when your partner shares distressing news with you.  If your boyfriend calls you at work to tell you he just lost his job, I’m sure none of you would set the phone down while you finished eating your lunch (and while you could still hear him crying through the receiver).

Exercise Your Relationship and Live Longer

Your mother always told you to eat your vegetables, and lo and behold, science backs it up. But did you know that being in a committed relationship or marriage is also good for you?  And yes, science agrees.

Why do people begin an exercise program? Not for the sheer joy of sprinting on a big, circulating rubber band. It’s because exercise offers proven, health-related benefits. Did you know that your relationship can offer you similar benefits? Starting such a program isn’t as difficult as you might think.

The research has spoken. Here are some proven health benefits to being in a stable relationship:

The power of affirmation in your relationship

Affirmation plays an important role in all relationships. Let’s briefly look at why affirmations are so important and how they can benefit your relationship. 

Note the difference in these two similar types of feedback:

Compare “That was a funny joke” with “You’re funny.”

The first piece of feedback describes something associated with you that is temporary—on a particular occasion you told a funny joke. Next time your joke may land flat on its face. On the other hand, when told you’re funny, you are given feedback about who you are as a person. In essence, a permanent part of you is being recognized and appreciated.

This is what affirmation is all about: Your uniqueness is recognized and appreciated. Relationships that include affirmations are more robust.  How do you feel when your loved ones affirm you? Many report feeling more upbeat and connected with others after receiving meaningful affirmations.

Relationship Glue: Affirmations and Intimacy

The emotional closeness you and your partner share in part stems from your ability to affirm one another. At some point in your relationship you began to experience your partner as special—distinct from the others in your life. S/he possessed certain characteristics that you value. The unique traits each of you saw in the other stood out and were highlighted throughout the beginning of your relationship.

When you and your partner recognize each other’s uniqueness you create opportunities to affirm each other—adding to the atmosphere of emotional closeness. Your affirmations weren’t random or untrue. If they had been, they would have created distance and confusion between you. When you commented on your partner’s uniqueness, s/he felt that you had uncovered the roadmap to understanding who s/he is. This fuels the intimacy that is an essential part of your relationship.   

When you affirm your partner's uniqueness, s/he will feel an increased emotional connection to you.

There are many ways to affirm your partner. You already do it—with words, how you say something, the way you look at and touch him/her. We all affirm our partners without realizing it.  Saying, “I love you” is a type of affirmation.  Unfortunately, as relationships develop we tend to forgo affirmations as we assume that our partner knows how we feel about him/her. This is a mistake at the cost of intimacy.

Steps to increase the affirmations in your relationship: 

1. Re-familiarize yourself with your partner’s uniqueness.

As your relationship matures, it is easy to overlook all the things about your partner that caused you to fall head over heels in love. We’ve all been there and done that. Rather than continue down the road of oversight, reflect on the following questions to help re-attune your attention to your partner’s uniqueness:

~Think about all the ways in which your partner is unique. What does s/he possess as a person that you value? 

~Why were you initially drawn to your partner? What words did you use to describe him/her to friends and family when you were first dating?

~What has your partner said or done in the last few weeks that exemplifies his/her specialness? If you had to pick an object (animate or inanimate) or a color that captured your partner’s essence, what would it be? Why?

~What unique qualities has your partner developed as your relationship has matured?

2. Comment on your partner’s uniqueness.

You should now have a mental vault overflowing with the reasons why your partner is special in your eyes. Using these to affirm your partner will involve effective communication on your part.

Try to direct some of your affirmations at the stable traits that your partner possesses (in addition to acknowledging the temporary things s/he does). For instance, if s/he picks you up coffee, you might say “thank you.” You’re being appreciative of what s/he just did for you. You can also say, “Thanks. You’re very thoughtful.” This comment affirms something about your partner that you recognize and appreciate—his/her inherent thoughtfulness. This will make your partner feel good about his/her behavior (i.e., surprising you with coffee) and will make your partner feel emotionally closer to you. This is the power of affirmation.

3. Don’t overdo it or expect anything different from your partner.

Your commitment to increasing the affirmations in your relationship should be for the long haul. People often introduce positive changes into their relationship only to stop after several months. Think of the analogy of starting an exercise program. If you jump into a seven-day-a-week routine, odds are you’ll burn out quickly and stop exercising. It’s easier to incorporate small changes into your relationship, and they’re more likely to stick. Add one or two new affirmations into your relationship over several weeks or months.

If you expect your partner to “change” due to your affirmations, you’re setting yourself (and the relationship) up for failure. Use affirmations as a gift to your partner and as a means of building bridges to more fulfilling intimacy. When you add affirmations into your relationship, you are changing YOUR behavior, not your partner’s. The most meaningful changes in relationships occur when we change our own behavior—even if you think it is your partner that should change in some way. (Trust me on this one.) Focus your energies around what you can add to the relationship, not what your partner needs to subtract.

Adding affirmations is an important step in strengthening your relationship.

Communication Rx: Don’t forget to accentuate the positive

Consider this interesting research finding that I think is relevant to all of us: Couples counseling that focused mainly on improving communication and problem-solving skills helped reduce negative forms of communication but did not lead couples to feel emotionally closer to one another.(*)

Think about it this way: If you feel there’s a void in your relationship, and if you focus solely on reducing the negatives in your relationship—while undeniably helpful in reducing a certain amount of relationship distress—that void may persist. More is needed to increase the intimacy you and your partner share.

The sharing of positive intentions and emotions is a simple way couples can become closer. Start by asking yourself the following:

What specific steps can you take to better understand your partner? Are there ways you can communicate this understanding? (Remember, if you say, "I understand what you’re saying," but your partner clearly is not feeling understood, then it is your responsibility to find ways to achieve and demonstrate a greater understanding of your partner’s needs.)

What is it about your partner that you admire and respect? (Brainstorm a list without censoring yourself.)

Which specific characteristics that initially drew you to your partner might you now be overlooking?

What is it about your partner that you would never change, under any conditions?

If you’re planning a family, which personality traits and values does your partner have that you hope your children possess?

Answering these questions alone is the first step. Then, invite your partner into the process by asking him/her these same questions about you. If you like, compare notes and notice the emotional atmosphere this creates.

Periodically revisiting these questions (and others you might come up with) can help you stay mindful of all that is constructive about your relationship. Be creative in taking the steps to communicate these positives with your partner on a regular basis. For instance, if you’re married to someone who makes you laugh, don’t only laugh at her jokes—go a step further and tell her she has a wonderful sense of humor. After all, what do you have to lose?

If intimacy (feeling close to someone emotionally) has been missing in your relationship, making efforts to attune to and communicate the positives that already exist can be a pathway to increasing intimacy overall. If you have a strong emotional connection with your partner, I bet you’re already doing some of what is suggested above, even if you’re unaware of it—keep it up!

*(reported in Couple Treatment, by J. Nelsen).

Positive Psychology in Action

I met Jean at a workshop we both attended a few years ago. During breaks and over lunch, we had occasion to discuss several things. She is a wonderful storyteller and I was struck by the way she described her late husband. They were married for over forty years, and Jean said a part of her would always miss him.

I asked her what she was most proud of about their relationship. She listed several positive aspects of the relationship she enjoyed, thought for a while, and listed more. One story in particular has stayed with me over the years: Jean recalled that before she was married her mother told her to frequently communicate appreciation to her husband ("Men like a lot of praise," she had said; I agree with that, but I would include women in that statement, too). Jean never forgot this and she informed me that "this was the best advice my mother ever gave me."

Jean took her mother’s suggestion one step further. A lover of words, Jean did not want the same words of praise to lose their intended impact through overuse. Therefore, she searched the dictionary and thesaurus for new words to communicate the love and joy she felt toward her husband Leo. At some point she shared this with Leo and he began doing the same thing with her. She joked that it felt like they were back in English class as they enjoyed their Sunday morning ritual of reading the newspaper and looking up special words to convey their feelings.

Jean deliberately found ways to demonstrate love and affection in her relationship. Just as important, I think, was Jean’s and Leo’s shared goal of nurturing intimacy throughout the life of their relationship.

Action step: Set the intention to discover ways to establish relationship-goals (beyond planning birthday celebrations and vacations) that you and your partner can incorporate into the life of your relationship. And don’t make the mistake of dismissing what you might think are minor ideas as you wait for a big one to strike you: Remember, small changes can result in meaningful leaps in intimacy.