Relationship Tune-up

What women want from men…and why this is tough for men

“What is the most important thing you want from your husband or boyfriend?”

This was the question I posed to my bi-monthly women’s group. Over the next hour, there was laughter, tears and frustration as the group pondered this question. But a theme emerged that united the women when one of the members proclaimed: “What I want from my husband is so simple. If he’d just show me more attention and appreciation I’d be happy. I don’t know why that is so difficult.” Every woman in that group nodded in agreement.

I believe what emerged from this group captures the essence of what all people want and need from their intimate relationships: To feel appreciated by the person who is supposed to love you more than anyone else.

I presented this information to my men’s group. Several of the members showed an understanding of this need and stated that they feel the same way. I was surprised, however, to hear several members state:

“Yeah, but if I give my wife more attention, it’ll never be enough. She’ll want more and more. I bet that’s why so many guys are stingy with their attention.”

Though I’ve heard men voice similar opinions in my work with couples, I was surprised by how adamant several of the group members were in this belief. Even some of the self-proclaimed “sensitive” males of the group said that they’ve felt this way at one point in their relationships.

Basically these men were saying that they withdraw emotionally as a means of self protection in order to prevent feeling overwhelmed. I set out to convince these men that their basic premise about women was incorrect. 

Let’s examine the men’s viewpoint more closely:

“But if I give my wife more attention it’ll never be enough…”

Let’s call this belief the bottomless pit theory of emotional needs. Anyone who holds this belief assumes that the emotional needs of his/her partner are so vast that these needs can never be satisfied—the more you give, the more your partner will cling to you and demand every ounce of energy you’re able to muster. It’s like someone who loves food but can never become full enough. 

It must be pretty scary to be in a marriage or committed relationship and hold this viewpoint. I’m exhausted just thinking about it!

Why would some men hold this view?

Men and Intimacy: Why is emotional connection difficult for men?

Have you ever related to your partner in a totally non-defensive, emotionally open way? If you have, in that moment you were vulnerable, expressive and receptive to your partner’s emotional experiences. You were free from the blockades that surround you—unencumbered by stereotypes and preconceived notions about masculinity. This level of intimacy probably felt great.

Unfortunately, these non-defensive episodes didn’t last (at least not as long as your partner would have liked). Like so many men, you probably cycle from patterns of emotional connection with your partner, to periods of disconnection (not necessarily total disconnection—think of connection and disconnection as running along a continuum). Why is intimacy so difficult to achieve? There is no easy answer. Parts of this complex puzzle include genetics, developmental influences, family and culture.

So is biology destiny? Are men trapped in an emotional straitjacket, unable to maintain a level of intimacy required by the relationship standards of the twenty-first century? I believe men can steer the course of their relationship destiny. But it takes ongoing vigilance and work.

Case in point: Yours truly. I grew up in an Italian-American family in Brooklyn, NY. In my neighborhood, the stereotype of  “strong,” patriarchal men wasn’t just a stereotype, but was a way of life, deeply ingrained in the community. Men were seen as the dominant force in the family and wielded their power by being controlling and, at times, downright nasty. The mothers, sisters and daughters I knew deferred to these men, especially when they became angry. By all accounts, I should be a very different husband, a different person than who I am today. I’m not totally sure why I veered from the machismo that was such a part of my childhood and adolescence.  But I did.

However, I haven’t totally eliminated the antiquated masculine traits that no longer serve me or my family. It’s a work in progress and may always be. For instance, I can easily feel helpless when I inadvertently upset my wife. In these moments,  rather than experience shame for not living up to my self-imposed standards of what it means to be a “good” husband, I can become frustrated. Isn’t it easier to feel anger than feel like a failure? So rather than take responsibility for my reaction, I become annoyed with my wife’s response and get the urge to blame her for being upset. Talk about irrational!

To overcome this inadequacy-anger-blame reaction (a reaction that feels totally automatic and beyond my control), I’ve learned to do the following:   

1. For a brief moment I need to tolerate feeling helpless and inadequate. (The guys reading this know how hard this can be.) 

Tolerating these feelings means experiencing them without reacting in any way. You literally sit with these feelings and observe them without judgement. Men can easily feel helpless in their relationships that require them to be communicative and affectionate. So what happens to a man when he feels helpless? He thinks a danger exists. (Men are programmed to associate feeling helpless with danger.) And when we sense a threat we become physically tense, thereby feeding our motivation to eliminate and/or avoid the source of the threat—which in my case was my (irrationally-upset) wife. So when men mess up, we feel helpless and inadequate as partners. This reaction occurs at lightning speed, often too fast to be recognized, and is frequently masked by feelings of anger.

2. On your mark, get set, get ready to blame. Stop! And take Responsibility.

When I feel ineffective as a spouse, I feel inadequate and vulnerable. One solution adopted by many men when they feel inadequate is to shut down emotionally or look outside ourselves for what may be “causing” these intolerable feelings. When we do this we are pulled away from the real source of our frustration—our underlying feelings of incompetence as a partner. When you’re about to say to your partner, “Lighten up, you’re so sensitive!” or “You always get so upset over nothing; what is it with you?!”, bite your tongue and realize that you’re about to externalize blame in order to get rid of your own feelings of helplessness. Each time you move into a position of blame, you miss an important opportunity to discover the real reason(s) for your reactions—and you remain stuck. When you feel the impulse to blame, take this as a cue that you need to look inward—not at your partner’s reaction, but at your own. You’re probably struggling with underlying feelings of helplessness and inadequacy in these moments.

3. Discover a truth in your partner’s reactions.

Great job! You’ve tolerated feeling helpless and you understand that your anger was caused by your feelings of inadequacy. You’re now able to use the tendency to externalize blame as a cue for self-examination. After you’ve practiced this for a while, the next step is to change your perspective about why things go poorly in your relationship. This is a difficult shift to accomplish but is well worth the effort. To do this, you need to think of your partner’s reactions to you as a mirror, reflecting back a (partial) truth about who you are as a person. Ask yourself the following: Where is the truth in what she just told me? In her emotional reactions to me? How can I use my partner’s reaction/feedback to grow as a person and partner? What do I need to do to get back on track to create the type of relationship that’s important to me?

4. Maintain a Relationship Vision.

Let’s face it, no one is perfect and you’re going to mess up now and then. So is your partner. But don’t let your feelings of anger, caused by your feelings of helplessness, dictate your behavior. Now the final step: Hold a conscious vision of how you want to react and behave in your relationship. Each day make an effort to move toward this vision. When you take a step backwards, consider this an opportunity for self-discovery—you will discover how to tolerate feeling helpless, how you cover these feelings up with anger, and all the ways you push your partner away (often with anger) in an effort to avoid feeling inadequate.

Practicing these steps has helped me become a better husband (and I believe a better person). Making these changes takes practice. Don’t get discouraged by setbacks. Regroup. The important thing is to continue to slowly move forward.   

Relationships require us to be emotionally available and supportive in ways that challenge what we’ve learned and internalized from our male role models. I’ve found that the traits I’ve acquired from my upbringing (and our culture) are often restrictive and smothering and prevent meaningful intimacy.  The challenge for men is to discover ways to hold onto the traits of masculinity that we value, while exorcising the traits that erode the intimacy we all desire.  To be in a healthy relationship you need to understand how the traditional versions of masculinity prevent you from being a considerate, compassionate and emotionally available partner without it feeling like you are required to abandon your entire identity as a man. Consider this a work in progress.

Men, Emotions and Intimacy

Research has shown that men and women communicate in different ways. When asked to talk about feelings they find uncomfortable, men become more distressed than women.  John Gottman’s research has shown that during arguments, men are also more likely to become physically overwhelmed than women, which can lead to avoidance behavior. Judging from these findings, you’d think that men are preparing for a punch in the stomach rather than an exchange of words with their loved ones. Let’s find out why.

In my work with couples I’ve frequently heard men describe themselves as feeling “more stressed” when faced with requests for greater intimacy (i.e., being more emotionally available and expressive). Let’s look at two reasons why you (or your husband/boyfriend) may feel overwhelmed when your partner asks you to really open up:

1) You may not have the tools to accomplish what is being asked of you.

For instance, you are uncertain about what you feel or you don’t know how to adequately describe your inner experiences. It’s possible that you’ve never been taught how to identify the subtle differences between emotions and/or you haven’t developed the language necessary to communicate your emotions. Therefore, the request for more self-expression makes you feel inadequate and you defend against this self-imposed inadequacy by becoming annoyed or shutting down.
 

2) You view the request for more emotional accessibility as a dangerous or irrational demand. 

Certain emotions make you feel vulnerable. These emotions may conflict with your self-image and collide with the values that you believe are essential to being a man. In order to openly communicate, you must first acknowledge and accept the existence of these feelings. Sharing adds another layer of difficulty for some men because once communicated, feelings become more tangible and harder to avoid. Many men find it tough to acknowledge how threatening this type of communication can be (yours truly included). 

More to follow on Men, Emotions and Intimacy…