Relationship Tune-up

Marriage Prep: helpful (and not-so-helpful) questions to ask about your relationship

Every day people are preparing for life's challenges—studying for a test, practicing for a job interview, reviewing for the big work presentation, etc. Unfortunately, all too often, this better-to-be-prepared-than-blindsided mindset doesn't follow people into their relationships. Preparing for marriage or a committed, long-term relationship (especially one where you'll be cohabitating with your partner) is an important step in acquiring the tools needed to navigate the complex terrain of love and intimacy. 

When it comes to romance, many people seem to take one of two approaches:

They blindly jump into a relationship and hope for the best

or

They seek a guarantee that love will last. 

Both approaches are problematic.

The first leaves you ill-equipped to handle what's ahead, while the second prevents you from being open to and appreciating the mysteries that will unfold right under your nose.

Certainty and love don't mix.

April wanted pre-marital coaching—at least she thought she did. It quickly became apparent that she wanted to know if her fiancé was "the right one" before she was willing to take the next commitment step. She was frozen in fear, frozen by her need for certainty.

The "Is s/he the right one for me?" question can become a hurdle to a fulfilling relationship. The question assumes that there is one person out in the universe who can magically fit into your life—someone who would be perfect for you. When you get stuck on this question, in essence you're searching for a pre-fabricated soulmate, someone so compatible and attuned to your needs that your relationship is destined for success.  Most long-term relationships succeed because of hard work and consistent effort by both individuals, not because someone happened to find "the right one."

Such a mindset can only set the stage for disappointment and disillusionment.

When you hear yourself asking, "Is s/he the right one for me?", take a deep breath and replace this question with the following:

~ "Does this person appear committed and dedicated to putting in the time and effort required to build a life together?"

~ "Do we share similar goals and a relationship vision that will allow us to work together as a team?"

~ "Which intellectual, emotional, physical and spiritual needs do I want met in a relationship? Are these compatible with my partner's needs?

~ "What incompatibilities exist and can I accept these differences?"

A note about compatibility--

Think of compatibility as running on a continuum:

not at all____________slightly___________moderately____________highly
compatible                compatible                compatible                 compatible

There will be areas of your relationship where you and your partner lack compatibility, areas where you're slightly compatible, and areas where you are moderately and highly compatible. Having a range of compatibilities and incompatibilities is perfectly normal.

Rather than focusing your energies on the broad question, "Are we compatible?" it might be more helpful to list all the areas of the relationship where you're incompatible, slightly compatible, etc.  Hopefully, you'll be moderately and highly compatible in the areas of the relationship that are most important to you.

Don't worry if you and your partner lack compatibility in places that aren't that important to you. For instance, if you enjoy lingering in coffee shops in your spare time and your partner prefers hiking, you both can get these needs met by spending time alone or with friends who share similar interests. This isn't an indication that something is missing in your relationship. Remember, it's rare for couples to be highly compatible in all areas of their relationship.

Interests versus compatibility

There is a difference between you and your partner having divergent interests and being incompatible.  Couples who have rewarding relationships often use their differences to infuse their relationship with vibrancy—you can learn to appreciate and admire these differences or you can fight them. The choice is yours.

On the other hand, couples who lack compatibility in core areas see the world very differently from each other and over time these incompatibilities can erode the fabric of the relationship. This usually occurs when there is no longer an overlap in a couple's core values and beliefs.  

Vist www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com and sign up for Dr. Nicastro's FREE monthly newsletter!

7 things you should know about your partner before getting married

1. Would you want to be your partner's friend even if you didn't have romantic feelings for him/her? Why? Why not?  From your observations, what kind of friend is s/he to others?

2. How do others describe him/her? How does s/he treat others in general (cashiers, wait staff, etc.)?

3. Describe how s/he handles stress and demanding circumstances.

4. If your partner won the lottery, how would s/he spend the money? Predict his/her first 5 purchases. Are these consistent with your values?

5. What are your partner's greatest fears in life? How might these play out in your relationship or marriage?

6. What brings your partner the greatest joy?  What makes him/her feel the happiest and the most fulfilled? What is your partner truly passionate about? Where does s/he find meaning in life?

7. How has your partner handled commitment in his/her life so far? What do you know about his/her family of origin? About relationship role models s/he had growing up?

Don't panic if you can't answer all these questions at this moment—it just means that you need to get to know your partner better before delving into a life-long commitment with him/her. These questions can help you build a more comprehensive picture of the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

By answering these questions you'll discover: how does your partner behave when s/he is at her/his best?  At his/her worst?  What are your partner's deepest values, passions and life goals? What motivates him/her? What might prevent your partner from reaching his/her dreams? Does your personal style feel compatible with what you've learned about your partner?

Have these questions in the back of your mind as you get to know your partner and as your relationship deepens. If you're already in a committed relationship, you can use these questions as a way to create greater intimacy by entering into a dialogue with your partner or spouse about these important issues.

Until Next Time,

Rich Nicastro
www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com

Relationship readiness: Put the brakes on destructive relationship patterns/habits

For better or for worse, we’ve all learned how to be in relationships from observing the unions that surrounded us throughout our lives.  If you grew up in a family where faithfulness, compassion and commitment were top priorities, and conflicts were dealt with rather than swept away, you’re apt to bring these pro-relationship qualities to your marriage or relationship. If, on the other hand, you observed infidelity, deceit and intolerance, you may struggle with similar patterns in your own marriage or relationship.

The manner in which your caregivers responded to your needs will also impact how you relate to your partner.

For instance, imagine that whenever you wanted attention from your caregivers, they were short with you or seemed indifferent and preoccupied. You had the sense that you were burdening them. You learned that communication is futile and you began to ignore your own emotional needs.

Fast forward to the present. You’re in a committed relationship and you find that whenever your partner discusses how s/he feels about something, you become uncomfortable and feel impatient. Your reaction (or lack of reaction) is very upsetting to your partner and s/he begins to pull away from you. The relationship enters a danger zone.

In this example, the long arm of how you were responded to as a child is having a powerful impact on how you respond to your partner. Patterns from your past are shaping your present day relationship.

Past patterns often become present patterns.

Marriage Readiness: 5 Questions to ask yourself before you get married

So you’re thinking about getting married! Congratulations on finding that special someone, falling madly in love, and deciding to live that love through commitment. And throughout the months or years that led up to the exciting time that is now, you’ve probably asked yourself hundreds of questions along the way, some big (Is he/she the one? Does he/she have feelings for me?), some on a smaller scale (Do I have a piece of spinach on my front tooth?). Questioning ourselves is a uniquely human experience. Which means the questions don’t end now that you’re on the verge of marriage. Although it might feel like the most pressing question is “Should we invite Uncle Dwight and will he insist on bringing his llama to the reception?”, there are more important questions to ask yourself.  Questions that have implications and will resonate for the life of your marriage:

1) Am I ready? 
2) Am I truly in love? 
3) Do we both want children?
4) What are the things that matter most to me?   
5) Are we financially compatible?

1) Am I ready? 

What does it mean to be ready?  Serious? Committed? Ostensibly, you’re pretty darned serious and already committed since you’re on the verge of marriage.  Typically (unless you’re in Las Vegas for the weekend with a vat of mixed drinks and a hasty Justice of the Peace), people feel a sense of commitment and loyalty to each other when they seriously consider getting hitched.  But, as you know if you’ve reached even the ripe old age of 12, considering something and doing it are two very different things.

Are you ready for the relationship you enjoy to become an ever bigger part of your life, indeed, to become something that shapes other aspects of your life? Are you ready for your days of unilateral decision-making to give way to days of joint decisions, which will often involve disagreement, compromise—on your side as well as your betrothed’s?

Okay, and here’s the frustrating crux of the issue:  you can’t ever truly know if you’re ready for something until you actually do it.  But hold on a second: even if Am I ready? is an unanswerable question, it’s a valuable one.  When you ask yourself that question, you take the first and biggest step in the process of becoming ready. You’re beginning to examine the full extent of what it means to join your life to someone else’s. So ask it freely, and try to stay quiet long enough to hear your response.

2) Am I truly in love?

Okay, ostensibly you’re in love if you’re on the verge of marriage. (Sound familiar?) But beyond that circular argument, can you distinguish you’re feeling for this man or woman from infatuation or lust? It will help if you’ve experienced cases of being head-over-heels-in-lust with someone, often some hunky or slinky thing you’ve seen across a crowded room and haven’t even heard his/her voice or, more importantly, know how they vote. When those fires cool, you can often see your attraction for just that—physical longing unencumbered by more complex emotions.

Getting back to the person you’re nearing the altar with: How long have you known this person? Has that been long enough for the initial euphoria and headiness to wear off and level off into a more mature, cool-headed attitude where you each can see other clearly? Although many people swear you can’t really know a person until you live with them (which is one for the “pro” column of living together before you get married, but that’s another article for another day), do you believe you know this person very well?

Have you observed your beloved when he/she is under stress? (If he turns green and leaves his clothes in tatters, you might want to know that right up front.) How does he/she treat others, including family, friends, and strangers? Remember, loving someone includes acknowledging their shortcomings and wanting to be with them anyway.  If the relationship is too new and still in the “you are absolutely perfect and you can do no wrong” stage, you might want to wait for the love to ripen so you can accurately brand it as love.

3) Do we both want children?

Kids eat free! Kids sleep free!  Kids get in free!  It’s a family-oriented world, certainly, and kids are everywhere. Heck, you were once a kid and I’m pretty sure your fiancée was too.  Which brings us to our next hot-button topic: progeny.  Do you want to have children?  Are there personal or professional goals you want to achieve before having kids? Do you and your fiancé share the same expectations for how your life might change after having children? You might also discuss things like when you’d like to start a family, ideas about education and religion, even the ideal number of kids. Even if it’s a far-off goal, it’s extremely important to clearly and openly discuss the possibility of children with your potential spouse.  There are so many things in a marriage you can compromise about, but if one of you desperately wants children and the other desperately doesn’t, there’s really no compromise for that.  (Trust me, getting a puppy isn’t meeting halfway…)

4) What are the things that matter most to me?

Try to hash out the most important things to you (your fiancé/fiancée better be on top of the list, or you need to go back to question #2 and spend some serious soul-searching time there). And then have him/her do the same, and really sit with the results.  See if there’s overlap.  See if there are things hopelessly at odds with each other.  For example, if one item on your list is “sharing lots of food with family…often” and on his is “fasting every chance I get,” you’ve got some tricky juxtapositions to work on. It doesn’t mean such a union shouldn’t take place, but those considerable differences in core values need to be clearly acknowledged and planned for.

What are the things that really matter to you, and will there be enough room for them after you marry this person?  What are the things that really matter to him/her, and can you live happily with those values? 

One of the most common mistakes new couples make is to hold onto their similarities and obscure their differences. The problem with this is that you’re likely to be unpleasantly surprised when your differences inevitably arise.  If you start your marriage from a place of realizing where each of your core values lie and how they might differ, you can avoid that type of shock down the road.

5) Are we financially compatible?

Consider this scenario: You’re a spendthrift who’d just as soon toss money out a moving car than save it, and he’s so frugal he makes Scrooge look like a charity-junkie. You’re not financially compatible.  Does that mean you shouldn’t marry if everything else points to compatibility and commitment? Of course not!  It just means that you need to have a real plan for healthy compromise on both sides, a financial blueprint.

If you’re like many married couples, you’ll have funds in joint accounts, which means you both need to make decisions on major spending and saving.  Therefore, you have to have a realistic plan in place for meeting somewhere in the middle. Or perhaps it would be best if he had his own account where he could save and you had yours that could be perpetually empty.  Don’t assume issues around money will magically work themselves out. Married couples report money as a common source of recurring fights, so it makes sense to know as much as you can about how each of you handles money before you say “I do.”

Stay tuned:  How to help your marriage evolve in a healthy way when your answers to these same questions change over time. 

Surviving your Wedding Day, part 2

In my previous post (Warning: Your wedding day can be hazardous to your relationship) I discussed the emotional toll that planning a wedding can have on couples. I gave suggestions for how couples can buffer themselves against the stress of planning a wedding.

For those of you seeking creative and practical ways to cut wedding costs (which will also help you cut down your stress level), check out Laura Rowley’s Saving on Weddings.

Remember, your wedding is about celebrating the love you share with your partner, not how much money is spent on the reception hall. And after the embers of your wedding day celebration have long cooled, don’t forget to ask yourself (and your partner) the following question from time to time: 

Is our relationship everything it can be?

My toast to you on your wedding day: Here’s to protecting the sanctuary that is your relationship.    

Warning: Your wedding day can be hazardous to your relationship!

You’re ready to say “I do” to the ultimate commitment: You’ve made (or are about to make) the decision to marry the love of your life. Congratulations on finding that love and making your dream a reality. Of course you and your partner want to celebrate this commitment with family and friends. Having others celebrate your relationship is an integral part of having a wedding.

You’ve probably come to appreciate how much goes into planning a wedding. (If you haven’t, you soon will!)  The entire experience, while exciting, can be overwhelming. You and your future spouse will be called upon to make decision after decision—each giving shape to your wedding day.

Here’s a typical list that couples face when arranging a wedding: When and where to have the ceremony? Which kind of vows to have (traditional/personal)? Should the ceremony be religious or secular? If you and your partner have different religious backgrounds, should both be represented in the ceremony? Who should be on the guest list? Where should you hold the reception? Who pays for what? Decisions also need to be made about invitations, food, music, flowers, dresses, tuxedos, hair and makeup, photographer and/or videographer, limousines, bridal parties, best man and maid of honor, gifts for the bridal parties, favors for the guests, thank you cards and the big question about where to honeymoon. (I’m sure I’m missing something!)

Arranging a wedding will challenge your relationship. For many couples, it’s their first real test. Isn’t this ironic? The ritual that celebrates your love and commitment can stress the very thing that’s being celebrated—your relationship. Your ability to compromise will be tested since your decisions (the joint decisions you and your partner make) will impact family and friends—many who may have opinions about how your wedding should proceed. Loyalties may be tested, lines drawn in the sand. Couples can often feel overwhelmed by this process, especially when pressured by others to make certain decisions (e.g., about who should and shouldn’t be invited).

You’re not alone—many couples report an increase in conflict, hurt feelings and disappointment while attempting to arrange this enormous task.

To help your special day remain special, try to hold onto the following:

~~It’s your wedding, not your family’s, your future in-laws’ or anyone else’s for that matter.

~~The sooner you internalize this bit of age-old wisdom, the better: You will not be able to make everyone happy, so don’t even try.

~~Remain a team, even when you both feel pressured by outside forces. You’re now each other’s priorities.

~~Pick your battles—if you and your fiancée disagree about a detail that doesn’t feel like a big deal to you, don’t make it a big deal. Compromise, flexibility and negotiation go a long way.

~~Don’t forget why you both decided to get married in the first place. Make an effort to  create time together that doesn’t involve wedding-related discussions/activities. While you’re planning to feed others, don’t forget to feed your relationship.

~~Weddings have become big business. Sadly, many couples end up losing their perspective when they get caught up in the commercialism of marriage. Remember, bigger and more expensive isn’t necessarily better. Stay in touch with what brings you meaning and remain true to that.

~~Accept help and support when needed. Remember, accepting help doesn’t mean you’re beholden to others.   

Questions to ask each other:

~~How can we create a wedding that best represents the love we share?

~~What values do we hold that we want to illuminate on our wedding day?

~~Are any of the decisions we’re about to make driven by fear of disappointing others?

~~If the wedding of our dreams were to occur, what would it look like?

~~Which compromises are we willing to make for each other? For our families and friends?

~~Which compromises aren’t we willing to make? Why?

The first step in tackling any daunting situation is becoming aware of what you might face.  Now that you have a better idea of the challenges the often frenzied task of wedding planning might place on your relationship, you’re already more equipped to cope.  So before you do something drastic like calling the whole thing off and eloping in the night, take a few deep breaths, remind yourself of your own personal vision of the impending special day, and above all, stay in close communication with your soon-to-be spouse during this exciting, exhilarating, sometimes maddening time.