Every day people are preparing for life's challenges—studying for a test, practicing for a job interview, reviewing for the big work presentation, etc. Unfortunately, all too often, this better-to-be-prepared-than-blindsided mindset doesn't follow people into their relationships. Preparing for marriage or a committed, long-term relationship (especially one where you'll be cohabitating with your partner) is an important step in acquiring the tools needed to navigate the complex terrain of love and intimacy.
When it comes to romance, many people seem to take one of two approaches:
They blindly jump into a relationship and hope for the best
or
They seek a guarantee that love will last.
Both approaches are problematic.
The first leaves you ill-equipped to handle what's ahead, while the second prevents you from being open to and appreciating the mysteries that will unfold right under your nose.
Certainty and love don't mix.
April wanted pre-marital coaching—at least she thought she did. It quickly became apparent that she wanted to know if her fiancé was "the right one" before she was willing to take the next commitment step. She was frozen in fear, frozen by her need for certainty.
The "Is s/he the right one for me?" question can become a hurdle to a fulfilling relationship. The question assumes that there is one person out in the universe who can magically fit into your life—someone who would be perfect for you. When you get stuck on this question, in essence you're searching for a pre-fabricated soulmate, someone so compatible and attuned to your needs that your relationship is destined for success. Most long-term relationships succeed because of hard work and consistent effort by both individuals, not because someone happened to find "the right one."
Such a mindset can only set the stage for disappointment and disillusionment.
When you hear yourself asking, "Is s/he the right one for me?", take a deep breath and replace this question with the following:
~ "Does this person appear committed and dedicated to putting in the time and effort required to build a life together?"
~ "Do we share similar goals and a relationship vision that will allow us to work together as a team?"
~ "Which intellectual, emotional, physical and spiritual needs do I want met in a relationship? Are these compatible with my partner's needs?
~ "What incompatibilities exist and can I accept these differences?"
A note about compatibility--
Think of compatibility as running on a continuum:
not at all____________slightly___________moderately____________highly
compatible compatible compatible compatible
There will be areas of your relationship where you and your partner lack compatibility, areas where you're slightly compatible, and areas where you are moderately and highly compatible. Having a range of compatibilities and incompatibilities is perfectly normal.
Rather than focusing your energies on the broad question, "Are we compatible?" it might be more helpful to list all the areas of the relationship where you're incompatible, slightly compatible, etc. Hopefully, you'll be moderately and highly compatible in the areas of the relationship that are most important to you.
Don't worry if you and your partner lack compatibility in places that aren't that important to you. For instance, if you enjoy lingering in coffee shops in your spare time and your partner prefers hiking, you both can get these needs met by spending time alone or with friends who share similar interests. This isn't an indication that something is missing in your relationship. Remember, it's rare for couples to be highly compatible in all areas of their relationship.
Interests versus compatibility
There is a difference between you and your partner having divergent interests and being incompatible. Couples who have rewarding relationships often use their differences to infuse their relationship with vibrancy—you can learn to appreciate and admire these differences or you can fight them. The choice is yours.
On the other hand, couples who lack compatibility in core areas see the world very differently from each other and over time these incompatibilities can erode the fabric of the relationship. This usually occurs when there is no longer an overlap in a couple's core values and beliefs.
Vist www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com and sign up for Dr. Nicastro's FREE monthly newsletter!