Relationship Tune-up

Relationship Basics: Have your forgotten the basics of a great relationship?

You often hear struggling athletes say that they have to "go back to basics." After years of repetition, it's easy to lose sight of the fundamentals they need to stay on top of their game.  Often they need an outsider's perspective (i.e., a coach) to help them determine which fundamentals they've been neglecting. 

Many couples fall into the same trap. There are many reasons why relationships lose their footing, but often couples who end up in trouble lose sight of certain relationship basics. And once those basics are forgotten, a formerly-solid relationship is at risk for spiraling out of control.

Let's take a brief look at some relationship basics. Some of these might sound familiar to you; to keep your relationship healthy, it's often not a matter of learning new things but holding onto tried-and-tested wisdom. 

Relationship Basics: The 7 C's

1. Commitment

Commitment is about hanging in there, for the good times and the bad. Commitment lets your partner know that you are serious about the relationship; it's the foundation that allows trust to develop and intimacy to flourish. Most importantly, commitment allows you to place the relationship above your own needs at times.

2. Communication

You don't have to become a chatterbox to effectively communicate. Simply check in with each other once in a while. Find out if the relationship is working for your partner by asking questions like: "How are things between us? Is there something you need from me that you're not getting?" When couples stop communicating, they become roommates instead of soulmates and might ultimately get their needs met elsewhere.

Relationship Alert: The Dangers of Compare-and-Contrast Thinking

There are times when it's helpful to use compare and contrast thinking. For example, fifth-grade Social Studies. Remember when Mrs. Dogoody assigned the paper: "Compare and Contrast Ancient Roman and Ancient Greek Civilizations"? (I do; I still have the occasional nightmare about that one.) The logic behind this type of assignment is that we learn about one topic by discovering the similarities and differences between it and another topic (thereby learning about both). Sounds good on paper, right? It may work in school, but you need to drop this way of thinking when you enter a relationship and want to learn about your partner. 

The problem with comparing people:

People are always comparing themselves to others. It becomes a habit and is often so automatic that you might not even be aware you're doing it. However, just because it's common, doesn't mean it's good for us. Sages through the years have been warning us that all unhappiness stems from comparing ourselves to others.

The roots of comparing yourself to others starts early in life:

Being told to behave as well as your little sister;
Trying to throw a ball as far as the new kid in the neighborhood;
Comparing your test grades with those around you…

Later in life, the comparisons might change, but they're comparisons nonetheless:

Who has the nicest home, most exotic vacation, largest salary, most expensive car, the most gifted child…

Comparing and contrasting yourself to others creates the illusion that you are either inferior or superior. Often the goal of this type of thinking is self-enhancement, where you begin to define and feed your sense of self in relationship to other people. This is a house of cards that will result in your energies being senselessly drained, since you will need to continuously feed your ego with meaningless comparisons. Depression, envy, jealousy, hostility, and chronic feelings of dissatisfaction often result from compare and contrast thinking.

To become aware of the role of compare and contrast thinking in your life and in your relationship, take the following challenge:

I invite you to monitor your thinking for one week. Simply be mindful of the thoughts you are having, especially while interacting with others. To help you stay on task, you can keep a journal of all your thoughts. During this exercise be aware of all comparisons (comparisons are sometimes subtle) that come to mind. I think you'll be surprised by the prevalence of compare and contrast thinking in your daily life.

The Dance of Intimacy

The decision to reject love and intimacy (and to withhold love) can stem from a conscious decision or for unconscious reasons (e.g., you feel unworthy of love). In a previous post I discussed how impaired self-esteem can lead you to reject overtures of love due to deep-seated beliefs that you are undeserving. When this occurs, you place a ceiling on the positives you are able to take in. In this case, the partner who feels unworthy brings these long-standing issues to his/her marriage or relationship, and those issues have a powerful influence on the course of the relationship.

As one of my readers astutely pointed out, another reason for one partner's rejection of love and intimacy might stem from the dynamics of the relationship itself.  Let's look at this aspect of blocked intimacy more closely.

The relationship dance

The relationship as a dance is an appropriate metaphor to help us better understand the dynamics of intimacy. (Don't worry, you can have two left feet like me and still grasp the implications of this metaphor.) During a literal dance each partner reacts--very often you react to your partner's moves and s/he reacts to yours.  So in your relationship you and your partner are continuously acting and reacting to each other. Imagine you and your partner having this brief exchange:

You: I didn't like it when you made fun of me in front of everyone. You know I'm embarrassed about being clumsy.
Partner: I was just kidding. And I didn't make the joke until I realized you were okay (and that you didn't fall on the cat that was at the bottom of the stairs).
You: But that wasn't funny, it felt hurtful.
Partner: (visibly and audibly annoyed now) Geez, I said I was sorry. What more do you want from me? (Exits the room, slams the door on the way out…)

In this interpersonal dance how do you think your would react to your partner's apology? Would you just hear the words "I'm sorry," or would you react to his/her tone of voice? In this case you might reject the apology because his/her emotional message sends a very different and conflicting message. So you might remain closed off and your feelings of hurt unresolved.

If, on the other hand, the apology felt genuine to you, you might forgive her/him and your relationship dance will get back into step.

Intimacy Hurdle: When you feel unworthy of love

Feeling unworthy of love

There are many reasons why you and your partner may not be able to reach the level of intimacy you desire. One often overlooked block to intimacy occurs when one partner is unable to fully accept love from the other.

Why might this be the case?

We all know the old adage: In order to love someone you have to love yourself first. I would add self-acceptance to the requirement for you and your partner to develop a deep and fulfilling emotional connection.

When you feel unworthy of love, you have no choice but to close parts of yourself off to your partner.  Intimacy is a two-way street that will suffer when one of you cannot give and receive love.  Your rejection of love (and intimacy) may not be immediately apparent or it can be obvious--either way, your relationship will not reach its full potential.

Self-assess:

Do you feel worthy of love?

How do you generally feel when your partner expresses his/her love to you?

Do you accept compliments and praise from your partner?

What do you need from your partner in order to feel more intimate?

Take you time answering these questions. Your answers can help you determine if you have trouble fully accepting love or emotional and physical intimacy from your partner.

Until Next Time,

Rich Nicastro
www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com

Marriage help: Do what therapists do and build a stronger relationship

Many of us have experienced first-hand the power of therapy in helping us with our troubles. And the most powerful predictor of therapy effectiveness has to do with the emotional bond formed between the therapist and client. When you feel connected to your therapist, you are more likely to overcome what is troubling you. It appears that emotional connection to another (emotional intimacy) has healing qualities.

You can improve your marriage or relationship by doing what therapists do. Let's look at how therapists build a strong connection and how you can do this in your relationship.

Therapists create a powerful connection by:

~ Showing unconditional acceptance.

~ Communicating an understanding of a client's deepest struggles.

When these conditions are present, the relationship becomes therapeutic, and healing can take place. Why is this so important? Because we all need acceptance and understanding from another human being. When these vital ingredients are missing from our lives, we can not reach our full potential. 

The Power of Unspoken Relationship Rules

All relationships have rules, including yours. These rules vary from couple to couple and can be spoken rules (and agreed upon--"You cut the lawn and I'll do the laundry") or unspoken (arrangements between you and your partner that just seem to happen).  Unspoken rules often act as a powerful navigational system, informing you about what is permitted and what is off limits. 

The rules that guide your relationship are not random--they stem from the rules that guided your and your partner's families throughout your childhood.  Which means that you're not consciously aware of them, but they've shaped how you view and exist in relationships all the same. All families (like societies) develop rules that help guide the members in accordance with what the most powerful members of a family find acceptable or unacceptable.

For instance, many families have unspoken rules about emotions--which types of emotional responses are off limits, which emotions are okay to express, and even how to express them. So if you grew up in a family where expression of emotions (sadness, anger, joy, playfulness) was encouraged, then you will bring this rule (expression of all feelings is acceptable) to your marriage or relationship. If your partner grew up in a family that had a similar set of rules about emotions, then the rule that feelings are acceptable will easily become part of your relationship (probably without having to be spoken)--mutual expression of feelings will flow naturally.

Relationship Rules in Action:

But let's pretend for a moment that your partner grew up in a family that seldom expressed emotion. Displays of sadness, anger and even enthusiasm and joy made your partner's parents uncomfortable. Let's get even more specific: In your partner's family, his father was very powerful in dictating what was tolerated in the household. Imagine that your partner's father would become tense and uneasy whenever feelings were openly expressed.

Everyone in your partner's family felt this tension, though no one talked about it. Instead, the tension acted as a strait jacket, restricting the expression of feelings in everyone. This became an unspoken rule of your partner's family, a rule that could easily govern your partner's experience of feelings in his/her adult relationships.

In this example, the rules that governed the experience and expression of feelings for you and your partner as you grew into adulthood were very different. As you and your partner now settle into your relationship, these behind-the-scenes rules will clash--each opposing rule will fight for dominance (you're going to be drawn to an emotionally expressive form of intimacy and your partner's unspoken rules will push him/her to short-circuit that type of intimacy).

The role of honesty in your relationship or marriage

I've said it before and I'll continue to say it because it's so important:  Trust and safety are paramount to the health of your relationship--for the development of any healthy relationship. When you establish trust, you create an atmosphere of safety (the focus here is on emotional safety). Feeling emotionally safe with your partner will allow you to share more of yourself. This type of sharing nurtures and deepens intimacy. Read Building Intimacy: The Role of Trust for a more in-depth discussion of the central role of trust in your relationship.

This might seem obvious, but in order to develop a trusting, stable relationship with your partner, you must feel that s/he is honest. Imagine how difficult life would be if you couldn't count on what your partner told you. If you feared your partner usually handed you lies, your natural curiosity about his/her whereabouts or feelings would easily turn into suspicion and chronic doubt. I can feel an ulcer coming on just thinking about such a scenario.   

But the truth of the matter is that most of us fib to our partners now and then, and sometimes with good reason. But when lying becomes the norm rather than the exception, and when dishonesty stems from self-serving reasons only, the relationship suffers. Therefore, becoming mindful of the reasons why you might lie is important to the overall health of your relationship.

Relationship conflict: When important relationship issues go underground.

Unfinished emotional business has a way of resurfacing, over and over again. Many of the arguments that couples experience have a familiar pattern because they fail to address important underlying issues that feed surface conflicts.

Take Zoe and Doug:

Zoe continues to feel upset about Doug “spending all your free time with your friends.”  She finally confronted him several weeks ago and they argued for over two hours with neither feeling heard or understood.   Her undercurrent of hurt feelings has existed for over six months, re-emerging from time to time in the form of curt, insensitive comments to Doug.   

Doug has felt angry and confused by what he calls Zoe’s “bad attitude.” Rather than asking Zoe about what is troubling her, Doug often reacts with anger and counterattacks. Each then ups the ante to name-calling until doors slam and they give each other the silent treatment for days.

After some time passes, they make up and temporarily forget what their arguments were really about (i.e., Zoe feeling neglected because Doug chooses to spend most of his free time with his friends). 

Many couples often make this mistake: They fail to resolve the real, underlying cause of their conflicts. Resentments (associated with the unfinished emotional business) build and cause arguments that are peripheral and like brush-fire. Neither partner realizes these conflicts are connected with the deeper issue.  After these brush-fire conflicts are extinguished, couples—relieved that the surface conflict is over—proceed like everything is fine…until the next argument rears its ugly head.

What women want from men…and why this is tough for men

“What is the most important thing you want from your husband or boyfriend?”

This was the question I posed to my bi-monthly women’s group. Over the next hour, there was laughter, tears and frustration as the group pondered this question. But a theme emerged that united the women when one of the members proclaimed: “What I want from my husband is so simple. If he’d just show me more attention and appreciation I’d be happy. I don’t know why that is so difficult.” Every woman in that group nodded in agreement.

I believe what emerged from this group captures the essence of what all people want and need from their intimate relationships: To feel appreciated by the person who is supposed to love you more than anyone else.

I presented this information to my men’s group. Several of the members showed an understanding of this need and stated that they feel the same way. I was surprised, however, to hear several members state:

“Yeah, but if I give my wife more attention, it’ll never be enough. She’ll want more and more. I bet that’s why so many guys are stingy with their attention.”

Though I’ve heard men voice similar opinions in my work with couples, I was surprised by how adamant several of the group members were in this belief. Even some of the self-proclaimed “sensitive” males of the group said that they’ve felt this way at one point in their relationships.

Basically these men were saying that they withdraw emotionally as a means of self protection in order to prevent feeling overwhelmed. I set out to convince these men that their basic premise about women was incorrect. 

Let’s examine the men’s viewpoint more closely:

“But if I give my wife more attention it’ll never be enough…”

Let’s call this belief the bottomless pit theory of emotional needs. Anyone who holds this belief assumes that the emotional needs of his/her partner are so vast that these needs can never be satisfied—the more you give, the more your partner will cling to you and demand every ounce of energy you’re able to muster. It’s like someone who loves food but can never become full enough. 

It must be pretty scary to be in a marriage or committed relationship and hold this viewpoint. I’m exhausted just thinking about it!

Why would some men hold this view?

The simple beauty of doing things together

I realize I keep talking about the benefits of creating shared activities with your partner, but it’s so important to every relationship that I can’t say enough about this topic.

On the weekends, my wife Lucia and I probably spend half our time at our respective computers, working on our businesses. The work is inherently isolating and therefore our interactions are necessarily limited, except for my repeated requests about spelling and Lucia pointing out that it’s almost time for a meal/snack.

To compensate for the solitary nature of our work, we’ve developed a morning weekend routine of working together at coffee shops. Although we usually bring our laptops along, before we even boot them up, we eat together, talk about everything from the harrowing Six Feet Under episode we watched last night (we’re renting the DVDs…don’t spoil anything; we’re only in season 4) to our debate over whether or not to get another kitten. And then ultimately we get the time in needed for business. And I get the added benefit of people-watching (I’m especially curious about how couples interact and communicate).