Relationship Tune-up

Relationship Problems: Are you having a hard time listening to your spouse/partner?

Is your brain being programmed not to listen?

I recently read that neuroscientists (people who study the way the brain works) are speculating that ongoing exposure to the Internet may actually alter the wiring of people's brains—especially all those young developing  brains that spend hours being inundated with multiple streams of information.

After reading this I did an informal survey and I asked people if they feel that they've had more difficulty focusing. I also asked about the amount of stress they're dealing with, as well as the amount of time spent on the Internet. Not surprising, people who spend several hours a day surfing the net complained that it has been more difficult focusing on tasks that require sustained concentration—even when they feel stress isn't a factor in their lives. 

And each person agreed that their concentration problems have spilled over into their marriage or relationship.

Without a functional attention span you cannot be attentive to and listen to your partner

Distressed couples often complain that the communication process has broken down in their relationship and, more specifically, that their partner is no longer listening.  Communication issues are often listed as the top reasons couples seek out counseling and are a major contributor to marriage problems.

If the information age is creating brains that are best able to efficiently absorb small and multiple bits of information, then a likely outcome will be that more and more couples will fall prey to communication problems—after all, doesn't every speaker need a listener who will concentrate for more than minute at a time?

Focused attention: The antidote for the distractible spouse 

If exposure to thousands of quick, alternating bits of information is re-programming the concentration centers of your brain (which is great for multitasking, but terrible for long, meaningful conversations), wouldn't it make sense that tasks that require you to steady your focus would do the opposite and end up helping your concentration? 

Research shows that different meditative practices offer numerous health benefits, including improved concentration.  Part of the meditative practice involves learning to focus your attention, for instance, by narrowing your awareness on the rhythms of your breathing. In a sense, you're retraining the muscle of attention to focus rather than remain the victim to the fleeting sensations that surround you.

I believe this has direct implications for couples who struggle with information overload and are now having difficulty slowing down to listen to one another. And I don't believe you have to commit to a full-blown meditative practice to reap the benefits of improved concentration.

Are your friends hurting your relationship?

You exist within a web of relationships. For instance, if your friend is going through tough times, you may find yourself feeling an emotional heaviness throughout the day, thinking and worrying about your friend. As this colors your mood, your partner may start to notice that lately you've been preoccupied and down. Since emotions are contagious, this will impact your partner in some way and her/his interactions with others may now be different as a result of what your friend shared with you. 

How is this relevant to your marriage or relationship?

Your relationship exists within a larger social context, and your friends, coworkers, family, and even the society in which you live can directly or indirectly impact your relationship. Think of your relationship as one link on a never-ending chain of connectedness.

This was evident with two couples I recently coached:

A brief story of marital support:

Molly and Jeff have been together for eleven years. Both are retired and have been active participants in their local community and volunteer for numerous causes. This involvement has offered them opportunities to develop friendships and socialize with other couples.

Molly joked that their friends "saved our marriage on at least two occasions" because of the support they offered Molly. She shared, "If Jeff and I are going through a difficult time, for whatever reason, I don't feel alone. I have at least two other women I can talk to who have been through difficult times but they're still happily married…I know I'm not alone in my struggles and that makes a world of difference. And I have a few single friends who are supportive of my relationship and committed relationships in general, even though they're not in one now. All that encouragement among my friends really helps whenever I start to worry that the challenges of a romantic relationship might be too much for me."

A brief story of relationship isolation:

Tad and Wanda have a very different story. Living together for a little over a year, Wanda complained that "all of our friends seem to be getting divorced or breaking up. It's depressing and makes me think there's something wrong with me for trying to make my relationship work. When I try to talk to my friends about a fight I had with Tad, they just tell me to 'find someone better-suited to you,' or 'relationships are overrated anyway.' The whole 'there are lots of fish in the sea' mindset isn't helpful when I'm trying to make my relationship work now."

Tad and Wanda lack the couple-to-couple support that is vital for a sustainable, long-term relationship. They both struggle with feeling like the "oddball couple" in a sea of failed relationships (and they don't have any single friends who are pro-relationship)—and both acknowledged that this was starting to negatively impact their union.  

Relationship Basics: Have your forgotten the basics of a great relationship?

You often hear struggling athletes say that they have to "go back to basics." After years of repetition, it's easy to lose sight of the fundamentals they need to stay on top of their game.  Often they need an outsider's perspective (i.e., a coach) to help them determine which fundamentals they've been neglecting. 

Many couples fall into the same trap. There are many reasons why relationships lose their footing, but often couples who end up in trouble lose sight of certain relationship basics. And once those basics are forgotten, a formerly-solid relationship is at risk for spiraling out of control.

Let's take a brief look at some relationship basics. Some of these might sound familiar to you; to keep your relationship healthy, it's often not a matter of learning new things but holding onto tried-and-tested wisdom. 

Relationship Basics: The 7 C's

1. Commitment

Commitment is about hanging in there, for the good times and the bad. Commitment lets your partner know that you are serious about the relationship; it's the foundation that allows trust to develop and intimacy to flourish. Most importantly, commitment allows you to place the relationship above your own needs at times.

2. Communication

You don't have to become a chatterbox to effectively communicate. Simply check in with each other once in a while. Find out if the relationship is working for your partner by asking questions like: "How are things between us? Is there something you need from me that you're not getting?" When couples stop communicating, they become roommates instead of soulmates and might ultimately get their needs met elsewhere.

Relationship Alert: The Dangers of Compare-and-Contrast Thinking

There are times when it's helpful to use compare and contrast thinking. For example, fifth-grade Social Studies. Remember when Mrs. Dogoody assigned the paper: "Compare and Contrast Ancient Roman and Ancient Greek Civilizations"? (I do; I still have the occasional nightmare about that one.) The logic behind this type of assignment is that we learn about one topic by discovering the similarities and differences between it and another topic (thereby learning about both). Sounds good on paper, right? It may work in school, but you need to drop this way of thinking when you enter a relationship and want to learn about your partner. 

The problem with comparing people:

People are always comparing themselves to others. It becomes a habit and is often so automatic that you might not even be aware you're doing it. However, just because it's common, doesn't mean it's good for us. Sages through the years have been warning us that all unhappiness stems from comparing ourselves to others.

The roots of comparing yourself to others starts early in life:

Being told to behave as well as your little sister;
Trying to throw a ball as far as the new kid in the neighborhood;
Comparing your test grades with those around you…

Later in life, the comparisons might change, but they're comparisons nonetheless:

Who has the nicest home, most exotic vacation, largest salary, most expensive car, the most gifted child…

Comparing and contrasting yourself to others creates the illusion that you are either inferior or superior. Often the goal of this type of thinking is self-enhancement, where you begin to define and feed your sense of self in relationship to other people. This is a house of cards that will result in your energies being senselessly drained, since you will need to continuously feed your ego with meaningless comparisons. Depression, envy, jealousy, hostility, and chronic feelings of dissatisfaction often result from compare and contrast thinking.

To become aware of the role of compare and contrast thinking in your life and in your relationship, take the following challenge:

I invite you to monitor your thinking for one week. Simply be mindful of the thoughts you are having, especially while interacting with others. To help you stay on task, you can keep a journal of all your thoughts. During this exercise be aware of all comparisons (comparisons are sometimes subtle) that come to mind. I think you'll be surprised by the prevalence of compare and contrast thinking in your daily life.

7 things you should know about your partner before getting married

1. Would you want to be your partner's friend even if you didn't have romantic feelings for him/her? Why? Why not?  From your observations, what kind of friend is s/he to others?

2. How do others describe him/her? How does s/he treat others in general (cashiers, wait staff, etc.)?

3. Describe how s/he handles stress and demanding circumstances.

4. If your partner won the lottery, how would s/he spend the money? Predict his/her first 5 purchases. Are these consistent with your values?

5. What are your partner's greatest fears in life? How might these play out in your relationship or marriage?

6. What brings your partner the greatest joy?  What makes him/her feel the happiest and the most fulfilled? What is your partner truly passionate about? Where does s/he find meaning in life?

7. How has your partner handled commitment in his/her life so far? What do you know about his/her family of origin? About relationship role models s/he had growing up?

Don't panic if you can't answer all these questions at this moment—it just means that you need to get to know your partner better before delving into a life-long commitment with him/her. These questions can help you build a more comprehensive picture of the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

By answering these questions you'll discover: how does your partner behave when s/he is at her/his best?  At his/her worst?  What are your partner's deepest values, passions and life goals? What motivates him/her? What might prevent your partner from reaching his/her dreams? Does your personal style feel compatible with what you've learned about your partner?

Have these questions in the back of your mind as you get to know your partner and as your relationship deepens. If you're already in a committed relationship, you can use these questions as a way to create greater intimacy by entering into a dialogue with your partner or spouse about these important issues.

Until Next Time,

Rich Nicastro
www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com

Marriage alert: Why falling out of LIKE is dangerous to your marriage

By the time we reach our teen years, our own special talents become apparent. Mine was getting dumped. That's right, when it came to getting my heart broken, I excelled. I held my high school's record for "shortest time going out" and "number of girls not interested." I earned my square in the yearbook's award section ("Most Likely to be Dumped").

Even as a kid, this baffled me. I was a nice guy (if you weren't my study hall teacher, that is). I did my best to make anyone I dated feel special. And I thought I handled grooming with panache: zits gobbed with "advanced" acne cream; enough hairspray and mousse to hold a cinderblock in place; and my secret weapon: Lasso Cologne ("Guaranteed to rope in that special someone").

Sure, it's easy to look back on my high school yearbook with a critical eye:  Why would anyone voluntarily dress like that? Was I wearing a football helmet (which would have been odd, because I didn't make the team) or was that actually my hair? And did I think the pouting sneer was sexy?

Most of us can look back on our past selves (our "evolving selves," as I like to say) and find things to wince about. But there may be things, in retrospect, that can help us today.

An example: although I suppose I should have become used to getting rejected by girls (you would think the frequency would have numbed me), one experience still stands out.

Isabel Lentini.

She crushed me. And she did it by proxy (her best friend Sandy told me – at my locker, before homeroom – that Isabel didn’t want to see me anymore). I mustered up every shred of courage and approached Isabel at lunch that day. I needed to know why. Why she ended it all right before our two-week anniversary.   

Me: (trying to sound indifferent) Hey, why'd you break up with me?

Isabel: (Shrugs. Sounding indifferent through a mouthful of tater tots) I dunno.

Me: (Wiping clammy palms on the front of my Jordaches) You have to know—you're the one who did it.

Isabel: (Stabbing her milk carton with a straw) I guess I fell out of like with you.

Me: What? That makes no sense.

Isabel: (indifferent and annoyed) Ricky, get a clue: I don't like you anymore!

Me: (contemplating my lawsuit against the Lasso Cologne company for false advertising) Well, did I do something wrong?

Isabel: You stopped being likable. (She turns her back to me and takes a huge bite of her burger, signaling the end of the discussion.)

The Impact of Stress on Your Relationship

No matter how healthy your relationship or marriage is, it is common for conflict to escalate when you and/or your partner are under stress. Ideally couples will learn to rely on one another to get through the difficult times that are part of every life. The reality, however, is often different.

A brief example of how stress negatively affected Vince and Karen:

Vince had lost his job as a systems analyst at a large insurance company. In order to make ends meet, he needed to find work quickly and took a job making significantly less money. For the first time in their marriage, money was extremely tight. Rather than seek out Karen for support, Vince became more withdrawn and began to feel inadequate as a husband--his self-esteem is tightly wrapped around his ability to support his family. Confused by her husband's behavior, Karen began to confront Vince about his "bad attitude." Repeated conflicts replaced the once peaceful terrain of their marriage.

Part of the problem for Vince and Karen (as well as for many couples) is that they each have very different coping styles when faced with stressful life events.  Vince withdraws and ruminates (rather than seeking support from others) and this triggers a fear reaction in Karen who begins to worry that their marriage is in trouble. 

Is there a solution to this dilemma?

Relationship Tip: Understand the phases of your relationship

All relationships and marriages go through a series of changes, some of them painful. For instance, relationships often begin in the honeymoon phase, where excitement, passion and an intense connection with your partner is the norm. Couples in this phase describe having more energy, motivation and feelings of euphoria. Research shows that our brains change significantly when we fall in love: The pleasure centers of your brain become more active and dopamine levels increase (elevated dopamine levels are associated with feeling elated).

Around the two-year mark (this varies from couple to couple), your relationship leaves this blissful phase and enters a stage where conflict and disagreements are more likely. This is a common experience and couples need to prepare for this change.

The personality differences between you and your partner now become more apparent and you may find that the relationship is starting to feel like a series of painful arguments, or at best, you wonder what happened to the intense connection that once defined your relationship.  It is easy to feel disillusioned at this point, especially if you misinterpret these inevitable changes as evidence that you’re with the wrong person. Many become affair-prone during this difficult time.

What should you do at this point?

Remind yourself that your marriage or relationship will leave this terrible-two phase--don't jump to the conclusion that you've made the biggest mistake of your life.

Learn to handle conflicts and disagreements with skill and tact. Read self-help books on how to communicate more effectively with your partner.

Resist the need to be right all the time--this is a waste of your time and energy (and your relationship will only suffer). The name of the game is compromise so that your relationship can travel to calmer waters. 

Learn to compromise, to say "I'm sorry" and to forgive your partner for his/her mistakes. Even if you don't agree with your partner, learn to understand his/her perspective.

Remember, each time you place the relationship above your individual needs, you restate your commitment to building a deep and loving union.

Until  next time,

Rich Nicastro
www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com

Marriage help: Do what therapists do and build a stronger relationship

Many of us have experienced first-hand the power of therapy in helping us with our troubles. And the most powerful predictor of therapy effectiveness has to do with the emotional bond formed between the therapist and client. When you feel connected to your therapist, you are more likely to overcome what is troubling you. It appears that emotional connection to another (emotional intimacy) has healing qualities.

You can improve your marriage or relationship by doing what therapists do. Let's look at how therapists build a strong connection and how you can do this in your relationship.

Therapists create a powerful connection by:

~ Showing unconditional acceptance.

~ Communicating an understanding of a client's deepest struggles.

When these conditions are present, the relationship becomes therapeutic, and healing can take place. Why is this so important? Because we all need acceptance and understanding from another human being. When these vital ingredients are missing from our lives, we can not reach our full potential. 

The Power of Unspoken Relationship Rules

All relationships have rules, including yours. These rules vary from couple to couple and can be spoken rules (and agreed upon--"You cut the lawn and I'll do the laundry") or unspoken (arrangements between you and your partner that just seem to happen).  Unspoken rules often act as a powerful navigational system, informing you about what is permitted and what is off limits. 

The rules that guide your relationship are not random--they stem from the rules that guided your and your partner's families throughout your childhood.  Which means that you're not consciously aware of them, but they've shaped how you view and exist in relationships all the same. All families (like societies) develop rules that help guide the members in accordance with what the most powerful members of a family find acceptable or unacceptable.

For instance, many families have unspoken rules about emotions--which types of emotional responses are off limits, which emotions are okay to express, and even how to express them. So if you grew up in a family where expression of emotions (sadness, anger, joy, playfulness) was encouraged, then you will bring this rule (expression of all feelings is acceptable) to your marriage or relationship. If your partner grew up in a family that had a similar set of rules about emotions, then the rule that feelings are acceptable will easily become part of your relationship (probably without having to be spoken)--mutual expression of feelings will flow naturally.

Relationship Rules in Action:

But let's pretend for a moment that your partner grew up in a family that seldom expressed emotion. Displays of sadness, anger and even enthusiasm and joy made your partner's parents uncomfortable. Let's get even more specific: In your partner's family, his father was very powerful in dictating what was tolerated in the household. Imagine that your partner's father would become tense and uneasy whenever feelings were openly expressed.

Everyone in your partner's family felt this tension, though no one talked about it. Instead, the tension acted as a strait jacket, restricting the expression of feelings in everyone. This became an unspoken rule of your partner's family, a rule that could easily govern your partner's experience of feelings in his/her adult relationships.

In this example, the rules that governed the experience and expression of feelings for you and your partner as you grew into adulthood were very different. As you and your partner now settle into your relationship, these behind-the-scenes rules will clash--each opposing rule will fight for dominance (you're going to be drawn to an emotionally expressive form of intimacy and your partner's unspoken rules will push him/her to short-circuit that type of intimacy).