Relationship Basics: Have your forgotten the basics of a great relationship?

You often hear struggling athletes say that they have to "go back to basics." After years of repetition, it's easy to lose sight of the fundamentals they need to stay on top of their game.  Often they need an outsider's perspective (i.e., a coach) to help them determine which fundamentals they've been neglecting. 

Many couples fall into the same trap. There are many reasons why relationships lose their footing, but often couples who end up in trouble lose sight of certain relationship basics. And once those basics are forgotten, a formerly-solid relationship is at risk for spiraling out of control.

Let's take a brief look at some relationship basics. Some of these might sound familiar to you; to keep your relationship healthy, it's often not a matter of learning new things but holding onto tried-and-tested wisdom. 

Relationship Basics: The 7 C's

1. Commitment

Commitment is about hanging in there, for the good times and the bad. Commitment lets your partner know that you are serious about the relationship; it's the foundation that allows trust to develop and intimacy to flourish. Most importantly, commitment allows you to place the relationship above your own needs at times.

2. Communication

You don't have to become a chatterbox to effectively communicate. Simply check in with each other once in a while. Find out if the relationship is working for your partner by asking questions like: "How are things between us? Is there something you need from me that you're not getting?" When couples stop communicating, they become roommates instead of soulmates and might ultimately get their needs met elsewhere.

3. Compromise

The most important trip you may take in life is meeting people halfway.  ~Henry Boye

Relationships, even the very best of them, are complicated and often challenging. Couples who know how to get through the rough patches and still have fulfilling unions know how to compromise. A competitive, "I need to be right" attitude is the death knell to compromise. Practice give and take, and learn how to meet each other half way.

4. Connection

Intimacy is all about connection: emotional, physical and for some, spiritual. When you show your partner that you are committed, and that you are working on becoming an effective communicator who is willing to compromise, the basis for a deep connection has already been set. Discover what makes your partner feel close to you and communicate what you need in order to feel close to him/her. Not all roads to connection are the same—become aware of and respect these differences.

5. Contribution

To be in a rewarding relationship you have to contribute something. What do you need to bring to the relationship table? You have to bring yourself to the relationship. Intimate relationships involve risk and vulnerability, and often couples begin to hide emotionally from each other when the relationship doesn't proceed smoothly. This was evident with a couple I coached: The husband was somewhat subdued with his wife but was "the life of the party with his friends and other couples." He stopped bringing his sense of humor and capacity for joy to his wife after five years of marriage. How do you contribute to your relationship?

6. Companionship

Whenever I interview couples who've been together for some time and are content with their relationship, one thing continually stands out as important for these successful couples: They are great friends and they like each other. Frequently, couples forget to nurture this part of their relationship and the cost for this omission is substantial. Friends often have similar interests and engage in enjoyable activities together. Do you and your partner make a conscious effort to play together?

7. Compassion

Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.  ~Mark Twain

Compassion is the ability to listen deeply and show sympathy and understanding to your partner. Couples who practice compassion and kindness continuously feed love and send each other vital messages of caring. You would think that it's easy for couples to shower each other with compassion, but this isn't always the case. So often couples begin to take one another for granted and stop behaving in ways that demonstrate unsolicited kindness. As one husband recently said, "With all the stress I'm under, I don't have the luxury of always being compassionate…" The assumption that you need heaps of time or that you need to be in the "right place" in your life in order to show compassion to others is not only incorrect, it's a dangerous assumption. Make compassion a necessity in your relationship, not a luxury.  Weave it into the small acts of your daily life and you won't even need to create extra time for it.

While there are other important elements that go into creating a healthy marriage or relationship, periodically re-visiting these seven basics will give your relationship the tune-up it needs to stay vibrant and strong for years to come. For added benefit, review these with your partner and see what your relationship strengths are and areas that might need some extra attention.

Until Next Time,

Rich Nicastro
www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com

Comments

[TiredGuy]

I've read lots of stuff people should do before they get married but not all of us were smart enough to get started off on the right foot. Do all of your suggestions like these still help couples that have been in a relationship thats been falling apart for years Is there hope to save unhappy marriages if there have never been any of these things in it to begin with Lots of married couples like us wish we were happy but haven't been as far back as we can remember except for the early days of romance without communication before kids mortgages and a feeling of obligation going through the work and routine each day and feeling that staying married is the right thing to do even if neither is happy. Should couples like us just plod along until the kids are grown then go our seperate ways or is there a chance to begin happiness and intimacy after years of unhappiness and not so much communication

[Rich Nicastro]

Hi TiredGuy,

You're probably reading more and more information about how to strengthen relationships before getting married or starting a significant commitment because of the popularity of the "preventative medicine" model that has become widespread in the medical field. When applied to relationships, the goal of the preventative approach is to get to couples early in their relationship in order to avoid major trouble down the road.

But most of us didn't get this type of information or take it seriously before starting a committed, long-term relationship. So you're definitely in good company. To answer your question, I believe that the suggestions I discuss throughout this blog and in my articles are relevant for couples who have been together for many years and have been struggling. But the challenges for these couples are clearly greater than for couples just starting out.

Years of built-up resentments, unhappiness, lingering hurt and emotional chasms create a significant hurdle (at least initially) when these couples make attempts to rebuild their relationships. Because these challenges are so great, seeking the help of a qualified couples therapist is often needed to work through the long-term problems that haven't been addressed. But, as a couples counselor and as a relationship coach, I have worked with couples who have turned their relationships around, even after years of marital and relationship angst. So based on my experience, I do believe that couples can reclaim and find happiness together. For some couples, it can take something as simple as both individuals committing to real relationship change,deeper intimacy and more meaningful communication. However, for some couples, true change may require more emotionally challenging work and the help of a professional.

And does a renewed commitment and/or counseling work for all couples? Unfortunately, no. Some couples really work at trying to better their relationship, only to discover that the divide that has grown between them is too great, and then they make a decision to end the relationship. But at least they know that they've really tried to salvage their marriage or relationship, and remaining aware of that genuine effort sometimes eases their minds about the painful decision to divorce. Something that's important to remember through all this: I have seen extremely unhappy and desperate couples work through major issues and create fulfilling relationships, which means there is no way to know the outcome of one's relationship before both partners make the significant commitment and put in the requisite effort to improve their unions.

Thanks for your comment and for reading the blog!