There are times when it's helpful to use compare and contrast thinking. For example, fifth-grade Social Studies. Remember when Mrs. Dogoody assigned the paper: "Compare and Contrast Ancient Roman and Ancient Greek Civilizations"? (I do; I still have the occasional nightmare about that one.) The logic behind this type of assignment is that we learn about one topic by discovering the similarities and differences between it and another topic (thereby learning about both). Sounds good on paper, right? It may work in school, but you need to drop this way of thinking when you enter a relationship and want to learn about your partner.
The problem with comparing people:
People are always comparing themselves to others. It becomes a habit and is often so automatic that you might not even be aware you're doing it. However, just because it's common, doesn't mean it's good for us. Sages through the years have been warning us that all unhappiness stems from comparing ourselves to others.
The roots of comparing yourself to others starts early in life:
Being told to behave as well as your little sister;
Trying to throw a ball as far as the new kid in the neighborhood;
Comparing your test grades with those around you…
Later in life, the comparisons might change, but they're comparisons nonetheless:
Who has the nicest home, most exotic vacation, largest salary, most expensive car, the most gifted child…
Comparing and contrasting yourself to others creates the illusion that you are either inferior or superior. Often the goal of this type of thinking is self-enhancement, where you begin to define and feed your sense of self in relationship to other people. This is a house of cards that will result in your energies being senselessly drained, since you will need to continuously feed your ego with meaningless comparisons. Depression, envy, jealousy, hostility, and chronic feelings of dissatisfaction often result from compare and contrast thinking.
To become aware of the role of compare and contrast thinking in your life and in your relationship, take the following challenge:
I invite you to monitor your thinking for one week. Simply be mindful of the thoughts you are having, especially while interacting with others. To help you stay on task, you can keep a journal of all your thoughts. During this exercise be aware of all comparisons (comparisons are sometimes subtle) that come to mind. I think you'll be surprised by the prevalence of compare and contrast thinking in your daily life.
Criticalness: Comparison thinking in disguise
One prominent and overt form of comparison thinking is criticalness.
Whenever you criticize another, you are implying that the other person is wrong and that you would never behave that way (therefore you are morally superior and a better person for not behaving in that way). Often the motivation of criticism is an attempt to elevate yourself above another person.
Unfortunately, criticalness often becomes a stubborn part of many marriages and romantic relationships. Marriage researcher John Gottman found that criticalness is one of the important factors that results in marital dissatisfaction.
When one partner becomes critical of another, a protective shield is erected around the receiver of the criticism. This helps numb the sting of the critical attacks—this can develop into a chronic pattern of criticism and defensiveness, leading to the destruction of intimacy.
There is a significant difference between disagreeing with your partner and being critical. When you disagree, you are saying that you see things differently from your partner and that you have different viewpoints about something. When you criticize, you attack your partner and take the comparative stance of being better than him/her.
Compare and contrast thinking in your relationship: Awareness is key
Take steps to become aware of the role that compare and contrast thinking plays in your relationship. Address the following questions, and then really reflect on your answers.
Do you compare your marriage to other marriages (and therefore evaluate the "success" or "failure" of your marriage based on other people's relationships rather than your own feelings and experiences)?
Do you compare your partner (either silently or outloud) to ex-boyfriends/ex-girlfriends or former spouses? (This should be avoided at all costs!)
Do you judge your spouse or partner by comparing him/her with others?
Do you compare yourself to other husbands/wives or partners as a way to justify certain behaviors that may not work for you or your partner?
The antidote to compare and contrast thinking is to become aware of how such thinking impacts your relationship (as well as becoming mindful of the function this type of thinking has for you—hint: it is usually in the service of trying to bolster your self-esteem by knocking down others). If you observe that you often compare yourself (or your relationship) to others, try to imagine how you would feel if you never relied on comparisons or criticalness again.
What would it feel like you're giving up? What would you (and your relationship) be gaining if you abandoned compare and contrast thinking?
Until next time and don't forget to give your relationship the attention it deserves!
Rich Nicastro
www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com
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