The Impact of Stress on Your Relationship

No matter how healthy your relationship or marriage is, it is common for conflict to escalate when you and/or your partner are under stress. Ideally couples will learn to rely on one another to get through the difficult times that are part of every life. The reality, however, is often different.

A brief example of how stress negatively affected Vince and Karen:

Vince had lost his job as a systems analyst at a large insurance company. In order to make ends meet, he needed to find work quickly and took a job making significantly less money. For the first time in their marriage, money was extremely tight. Rather than seek out Karen for support, Vince became more withdrawn and began to feel inadequate as a husband--his self-esteem is tightly wrapped around his ability to support his family. Confused by her husband's behavior, Karen began to confront Vince about his "bad attitude." Repeated conflicts replaced the once peaceful terrain of their marriage.

Part of the problem for Vince and Karen (as well as for many couples) is that they each have very different coping styles when faced with stressful life events.  Vince withdraws and ruminates (rather than seeking support from others) and this triggers a fear reaction in Karen who begins to worry that their marriage is in trouble. 

Is there a solution to this dilemma?

Become mindful of your coping style

Often a marriage or relationship is damaged not by the stress itself, but by the way in which you and your partner cope with stress. The more information you have about how you both deal with the pressures of life (your patterns of coping), the more understanding and empathy you will have for one another during relationship rough patches.

Information is the antidote to letting stress erode your relationship. We all have negative behavioral patterns that we fall into and these can intensify when we're faced with overwhelming stress. You and your partner can educate each other about how you each typically deal with stressful events. Having information about the way your partner usually behaves when overwhelmed can help you maintain a more rational perspective when your marriage feels the strain of the particular issues you face. 

If you're not certain what your pattern is, take a few moments to think about several stressful situations you had to deal with over the last year. This might involve pressure at work, financial strains, parenting challenges, health issues, to name a few. Then think of specific ways you handled that difficulty. Did the stress end up impacting your relationship?

Here are some common ways people in relationships cope with stress:

~You seek your partner's support and ask for his/her help;
~You need to talk about your feelings as a way to cope and therefore need your partner to listen;
~Rather than listen to what your partner needs, you jump into problem-solving/fix-it mode and push solutions on your partner (this has a tendency of making your partner feel like you're not hearing him/her or that you're trying to rush past the problem);
~You isolate yourself and try to deal with problems on your own--this can confuse your partner if s/he doesn't realize that you're coping with a stressful event outside the relationship;
~You try not to think about the stressful circumstances; you tend to throw yourself into unrelated activities as a way to distract yourself from the trouble;
~You shut down and become numb emotionally, which can create an emotional distance between you and your partner;
~You become argumentative--even though your partner is not the cause of the stress, s/he becomes a safe scapegoat for your frustrations. We've all snapped at our loved ones at times when they did nothing to provoke that reaction. It's important to become aware of that so that it doesn't become a damaging pattern.

This list is by no means exhaustive and you may not have just one pervasive coping style--e.g., you may initially withdraw to gain some perspective and then move into seeking support from your partner.

Here are a few questions to ponder:

Do you rely on your partner during times of stress?

If not, what stands in your way?

Is your coping style helpful or problematic to your marriage or relationship?

If it's problematic, can you think of one thing you can change when dealing with stress that will be more positive for your marriage or relationship?

Until next time,

Rich Nicastro
www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com

Comments

[anonymous]

Just out of curiosity, is it always worth saving a relationship? I know it seems like the right thing to do and divorce rates are high, but isn't it the case that in times of stress you may see a side of your partner that you didn't know about before and realize that you are with somebody you don't want to be with? Sometimes it takes rough times for people to show their true colors. Is there ever a time when it's OK, and not considered running away or not being mindful of your feelings or NOT being the bad guy, when you finally decide that the best plan is to end a relationship? I do believe your philosophy that most relationships can be saved by practicing your techniques, but isn't there ever cases where people truly were not meant for each other? Sometimes stress only causes a rift and then maybe a chance to grow closer but other times I think it may show a couple that their ways of dealing and viewing the world are so different that they were not meant to be together. Do you advocate couples sticking it out no matter what, even if they are unhappy for an extended period of time?

[Rich Nicastro]

Thanks for your thoughtful comment.

I do not believe that all relationships are savable and I wouldn't advocate that couples stay together no matter what they were experiencing or suffering through in their relationship. Unfortunately, too many people see separation or divorce as a first or even second option before giving their relationship the attention and effort it deserves.

Deciding to leave a marriage or relationship is a very personal process and the reasons for leaving vary considerably from person to person. I have worked with couples who have been on the verge of divorce and decided to work through their relationship issues and because of their commitment have a strong and wonderful relationship. And I've worked with couples where it became evident that it was in one or both parties' best interest to end the relationship. When a couple seeks my help (now as a relationship coach and in the past as a psychologist), I start with the assumption that their relationship can be helped and made stronger--often this is the case, sometimes it isn't.

Sometimes people do choose the wrong partner (for a variety of reasons) and it may take a year or ten years to discover this painful truth. Or someone can change to such a degree over the course of their relationship that they outgrow the relationship or they are no longer compatible with their partner. If someone is unhappy for a long time in their marriage or relationship I would want to explore that person's understanding of his/her unhappiness. Has s/he talked with her/his partner about what isn't working in the relationship? What have they tried in order to remedy the problems? Was professional help considered? Or has the unhappy party kept his/her emotional pain a secret and is ready to leave without seeing if the relationship is fixable? A committed relationship or marriage will have its ups and downs, but ultimately it should bring out the best in people--not lead to prolonged pain.

In this particular post I was highlighting the fact that stress can bring out the worst in all of us. I often recommend that people hold off making an irreversible decision during these moments (however, I would never recommend that anyone remain in a relationship that is abusive in any way). When the flames of the stress cool down, dialogue is needed to learn from the experience: what worked and didn't work for each person. Ultimately the goal is to learn how to create a buffer around your relationship by knowing your own and your partner's idiosyncratic coping patterns. Acknowledging unhealthy coping styles is the first step toward a commitment to changing these negative patterns.

I hope this answers your questions. Thanks again for your response to my post.

All best,

Rich Nicastro
www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com