Relationship Tune-up

Marriage alert: Why falling out of LIKE is dangerous to your marriage

By the time we reach our teen years, our own special talents become apparent. Mine was getting dumped. That's right, when it came to getting my heart broken, I excelled. I held my high school's record for "shortest time going out" and "number of girls not interested." I earned my square in the yearbook's award section ("Most Likely to be Dumped").

Even as a kid, this baffled me. I was a nice guy (if you weren't my study hall teacher, that is). I did my best to make anyone I dated feel special. And I thought I handled grooming with panache: zits gobbed with "advanced" acne cream; enough hairspray and mousse to hold a cinderblock in place; and my secret weapon: Lasso Cologne ("Guaranteed to rope in that special someone").

Sure, it's easy to look back on my high school yearbook with a critical eye:  Why would anyone voluntarily dress like that? Was I wearing a football helmet (which would have been odd, because I didn't make the team) or was that actually my hair? And did I think the pouting sneer was sexy?

Most of us can look back on our past selves (our "evolving selves," as I like to say) and find things to wince about. But there may be things, in retrospect, that can help us today.

An example: although I suppose I should have become used to getting rejected by girls (you would think the frequency would have numbed me), one experience still stands out.

Isabel Lentini.

She crushed me. And she did it by proxy (her best friend Sandy told me – at my locker, before homeroom – that Isabel didn’t want to see me anymore). I mustered up every shred of courage and approached Isabel at lunch that day. I needed to know why. Why she ended it all right before our two-week anniversary.   

Me: (trying to sound indifferent) Hey, why'd you break up with me?

Isabel: (Shrugs. Sounding indifferent through a mouthful of tater tots) I dunno.

Me: (Wiping clammy palms on the front of my Jordaches) You have to know—you're the one who did it.

Isabel: (Stabbing her milk carton with a straw) I guess I fell out of like with you.

Me: What? That makes no sense.

Isabel: (indifferent and annoyed) Ricky, get a clue: I don't like you anymore!

Me: (contemplating my lawsuit against the Lasso Cologne company for false advertising) Well, did I do something wrong?

Isabel: You stopped being likable. (She turns her back to me and takes a huge bite of her burger, signaling the end of the discussion.)

Passion and Desire: Why sexual incompatibilities occur

When relationships are new, couples often experience record levels of desire and passion. People with low libidos are transformed into sexual dynamos and sex becomes an important part of intimacy and the getting to know each other experience (of course there are exceptions, where couples start sexually at a slow simmer rather than a wild fire). 

For many, passion and desire level off over the years, and the frequency of sex shifts into a slower gear. It is often at this point that couples learn about any sexual incompatibilities that may exist. Research now shows that the hormone testosterone in both men and women is related to sexual desire. So if you have high levels of testosterone, you are likely to be a highly sexual person (easily aroused and often ready to have sex). Sexual incompatibilities may result when couples have differing levels of testosterone. For the high testosterone individual, arousal and desire are constant companions that are easily summoned; the low testosterone person enjoys sex but may not feel the need to have sex as often.

Here's a simple equation that the high-T (high testosterone) and low-T person should keep in mind to help overcome any sexual incompatibilities:

High T:  Desire & arousal leads to sexual activity

Low T:  Sexual activity leads to desire & arousal

The high-T person is in a readied state for sex and does not need much prodding or foreplay to get going.

If the low-T person waits to feel motivated to have sex, s/he will be waiting a long time (and their partner will also be waiting). Desire and arousal follow sexual activity (such as foreplay) for the low-T person.

What does this mean for your marriage or relationship?

To overcome any sexual incompatibilities that may exist in your relationship, you need to compromise. Part of this compromise can involve the knowledge that the partner with lower libido can become aroused and enjoy sex just as much as the partner with a strong libido. However, you need to be patient: the high-T partner has to slow down his/her need to sprint into sexual activity. Realize that the differences that exist between you and your partner might be physical (hormonal). The job of the high-T partner is to realize that the low-T partner will start off slowly and need to build sexual momentum. The job of the low-T partner is to commit to sex as an important part of intimacy and the long-term health of the relationship.

A good resource for couples is Pat Love's book:

Hot Monogamy: Essential steps to more passionate, intimate lovemaking, 1995.

Until next time,

Rich Nicastro
www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com

The Impact of Stress on Your Relationship

No matter how healthy your relationship or marriage is, it is common for conflict to escalate when you and/or your partner are under stress. Ideally couples will learn to rely on one another to get through the difficult times that are part of every life. The reality, however, is often different.

A brief example of how stress negatively affected Vince and Karen:

Vince had lost his job as a systems analyst at a large insurance company. In order to make ends meet, he needed to find work quickly and took a job making significantly less money. For the first time in their marriage, money was extremely tight. Rather than seek out Karen for support, Vince became more withdrawn and began to feel inadequate as a husband--his self-esteem is tightly wrapped around his ability to support his family. Confused by her husband's behavior, Karen began to confront Vince about his "bad attitude." Repeated conflicts replaced the once peaceful terrain of their marriage.

Part of the problem for Vince and Karen (as well as for many couples) is that they each have very different coping styles when faced with stressful life events.  Vince withdraws and ruminates (rather than seeking support from others) and this triggers a fear reaction in Karen who begins to worry that their marriage is in trouble. 

Is there a solution to this dilemma?