The Little White Lie that grew
I lied to my wife the other day--something I don't typically do (and didn't feel good about doing). And there was absolutely no reason to lie. I was planning to vote in the local primary after I got home from work, but I wasn't feeling well so I decided not to head back out in the rain, even for my civic duty.
When she got home later, she casually asked me if I voted and for some reason I said "yes." She knows me really well and could tell I was lying. But here's the really interesting thing: as she continued to ask me about voting (she wanted to see how deep a hole I would dig for myself), I felt the need to lie further in order to avoid the initial embarrassment of having lied in the first place. Despite the fact that my wife is very even-tempered and doesn't often "get mad" at me, I felt like a little kid about to get in trouble.
Of course she trapped me (she cleverly asked what I thought about the new voting system and, because I didn't realize anything had changed since the last time I had voted). After several painful, squirmy minutes I "admitted" that I didn't vote. She asked me a valid question, one I later reflected on: why did I feel the need to lie in the first place?
What seemed to happen is that once I lied, the motivation to cover-up the initial lie created layers of other lies. The motivation for subsequent cover-up lies isn't necessarily the same as the motivation behind the original lie. Lying can snowball out of control.
Let's look at some of the common reasons why lying can creep into your relationship:
To protect yourself:
Self-esteem lies. Some people lie to bolster feelings of self-importance. In this case you might lie to your partner about your achievements and accomplishments. Your goal is to look good in the eyes of your partner (and others). At its extreme, deep-seated feelings of inadequacy can lead someone to become a chronic liar.
Avoidance lies. The motivation for this type of lie is to avoid the other person's reaction-- such as disappointment or anger. You may feel that it's easier to lie rather than experience/endure your partner's emotional reaction. You may be someone who has considerable difficulty tolerating any perceived negative reaction. At its worst, your deceit is self-serving and hides relationship-damaging behaviors (e.g., an affair).
Saving-Face Lies. While closely related to avoidance lies, saving-face lies are created to cover up your original lie. When it starts to become apparent to your spouse or partner that you've lied, you concoct a web of more lies to avoid the embarrassment and repercussions of having lied in the first place. This is one reason lies can quickly multiply.
Hide-and-Seek lies. The impetus is to hide parts of yourself from the world. Painful life experiences have caused you to feel unworthy of love to such a degree that you feel it is necessary to lie about yourself or your experiences. When you feel exposed, feelings of shame overcome you and act as a powerful motivator to hide from others (including your partner).
Self-denial lies. People lie to themselves all the time. It's a form of denial--refusing to accept a reality that is too painful. All you have to do is watch American Idol to realize that this kind of self-deception is alive and well. People with absolutely no vocal ability refuse to accept the judges' critical (and often harsh) feedback. Instead, they proclaim that they are excellent singers and will someday be famous (and that it's American Idol's loss). Self-denial lies stand in the way of the openness needed for intimacy to grow in your relationship.
To protect your partner:
The compassionate lie. Sometimes the motivation to lie is altruistic--you don't want your partner to get hurt. In this instance, you're not protecting your partner from something that you've done that might be hurtful to him/her. Rather, you're trying to shield your partner from something you discovered (e.g., you overheard a neighbor say he doesn't like your wife) or an opinion that you believe would be upsetting (your wife asks if you like her new haircut and despite her uncanny resemblance to one of the Three Stooges, you response with a definitive, "I love it!").
To hurt your partner:
The Vengeful lie. In this case lies are used as weapons to hurt someone. Young kids do this all the time, making up rumors that are designed to put down others. In social settings (school) this is often done to ostracize someone from a peer group while solidifying the liar's position in the group. When this occurs in a marriage or relationship, it's usually when anger is at an all-time high or the relationship is being dissolved. It's less common that this type of lie occurs while the couple is committed to a future together, although some couples do report "fighting dirty" and saying hurtful, untrue things while they argue.
It's obviously best that your relationship be built on a foundation of honesty. Honesty is the backbone of trust--once trust is compromised, your relationship can begin to spiral out of control. But the reality is that many partners do end up lying to one another, and while your motivation to lie might be benign (e.g., you don't want your wife to think you're a slacker for not voting), lies seem to have a viral-like capacity to spread. Have you ever noticed that once you've gotten away with a lie or two, it seems to get easier to lie in the future?
Beating yourself up emotionally for lying won't get you anywhere. Rather, if you've lied recently, feel the urge to lie, or lying has been a problem for you in general, begin to question your motivation for spinning these tales. Check your reasons with the list above to gain further clarity.
Question your motives:
Once you're fully aware of your motivation, question the necessity to lie. Ask yourself:
What would happen if you didn't lie?
What do you imagine the worst case scenario is?
How can you talk about this issue with your partner while addressing your concerns?
Finally, do you feel safe enough to tell your partner your concerns about speaking the truth? If not, what would allow you to feel safe?
Until next time,
Rich Nicastro
www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com
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