The Importance of Developing Frustration Tolerance
Frustration tolerance (FT) is a skill you (and your partner) need if you want a healthy, fulfilling relationship. FT is the ability to deal with any experience that does not work out in your favor and therefore triggers strong feelings. Just think of the young child at Toys R Us who starts screaming and collapses to the floor when his parents refuse to buy him the latest toy. This is an example of someone with no FT.
We all have to learn to deal with frustrating situations--this is a hallmark of maturity. Some of us are better at this than others.
While any marriage or your relationship is likely to feel harmonious and effortless at times, you've probably noticed that relationships are hard work-- poor FT skills can damage your relationship over time, and effective FT skills will go a long way in helping you do the meaningful work that all relationships need.
Teach Yourself Patience
Relationship challenges require considerable emotional skill on your part--in particular, patience. FT skills lead to patience. Telling an impatient person to "be patient" is often futile if they've never learned the skills that lead to patience.
Patience doesn't have to be something mysterious. It is a learned skill (learned from your caregivers and family). This is good news because you're never too old to improve your Frustration Tolerance skills.
Today we will briefly examine one way to improve your FT
Thought Monitoring
Thought monitoring occurs when you focus your attention on the thoughts that run through your mind. The goal here is to become more mindful of the types of thoughts that interfere with healthy FT. The way you think is directly related to your level of patience--your thoughts filter that outside world in ways that will either enhance or handicap your ability to deal with relationship challenges.
The psychologist Albert Ellis identified a particular kind of thinking that can lead to big problems with FT: Holding onto the mindset that certain events "should" or "must" be a certain way.
When you think in such extremes (e.g., "My marriage should make me happy"; "I must be the perfect wife"), you set yourself up for considerable disappointment and frustration, since you ultimately don't have control over how your partner will behave or react to you.
Action step: Become a better partner by increasing your FT
a. Whenever you encounter a situation that you find extremely frustrating, turn your attention to the thoughts you're having about the particular event. Don't confuse your thoughts (your perceptions) and the objective event.
For instance, "My husband was being a jerk" doesn't describe the event, but rather describes your thoughts about the event. The event would be, "My husband refused to help me straighten up the house before my family came to visit."
Write down your thoughts and look for the extremes in your thinking (e.g., "My husband should…" "Since I help him, he must…" "I shouldn't have to…").
Psychologists refer to such thoughts as cognitive distortions because your thinking is not an accurate reflection of events. To look at this from a Buddhist perspective, your frustration is caused by your strong attachment to a particular outcome (e.g., that your partner will act in a certain way).
Becoming mindful of how your thinking impacts your FT is an important step. Often, we are unaware of the fleeting thoughts that cause us to become easily frustrated. It may take time and practice to become mindful of these thoughts.
For some, such awareness is enough to stop such thoughts from having power over them. But you can add another step beyond awareness:
Challenge the rigid thoughts that have should and must at their core
Once you've identified the extremes in your thinking (the attachments you rigidly cling to), begin challenging this type of thinking and replace these thoughts with more balanced thinking. You can even repeat statements that can increase your FT. In our above example of the husband who didn't help his wife, she might replace the thought, "He should help me when I ask" with:
"I can handle this without his help and I'll have a great time with my family."
"It would be nice if he did help out, but there's no reason he must."
"He usually helps me. So after my family leaves I'll check in with him and see if there's something wrong."
b. You can also develop a series of affirmations that can help you build greater FT. Such thoughts might look like:
I can do this!
Calm down, this will pass.
Don't let this get to you, it isn't worth an argument.
Take a few deep breaths and speak calmly.
I've been through worse, I can handle this…
Make the statements relevant to your relationship and the circumstances you find particularly frustrating. Remember, the goal is to give you more emotional control.
When you find yourself feeling easily frustrated, you can repeat these statements to yourself. Have them written down somewhere convenient. When you're frustrated you might not be able to think clearly, so it's helpful to read them at that point. One husband with low FT wrote his statements on index cards that he carried around. He'd repeat them each day and after several months of rehearsal this new way of thinking started to become habitual.
You can do this with any situation you find particularly frustrating (like dealing with an unreasonable boss, an impolite motorist, a gruff neighbor).
When you improve your ability to deal with frustrating relationship issues, your relationship will be more resilient and ultimately more satisfying. Practice this skill frequently and before you know it, your patience will grow by leaps and bounds. And patience is often contagious-- you may find those around you becoming more patient.
Until Next Time,
Rich Nicastro
www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com
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