Relationship Tune-up

Second Marriage Radio Interview

I was recently interviewed on Shelley Duffy’s Now You Know… KDKA News Radio program in Pittsburgh. I discuss the unique challenges of second marriages, though some of the advice I give is relevant to most relationships. Here’s the link to the interview: Now you Know…About Second Marriages.

Hope you enjoy listening,

Rich Nicastro

My Communication Faux Pas

This weekend my wife and I had a date to meet some friends for a barbecue.  It took me about 2.06 minutes to get ready.  (Swap the sweatpants for khakis, the T-shirt for a polo, make sure I didn’t have anything stuck in my teeth.)  Not so straightforward for my wife.

Mindful of escaping her space while she “decides on an outfit,” I was killing time downstairs as I waited for her.  If I hadn’t known what was going on above me, I might worry construction workers with the wrong address were gutting the second floor. I heard slamming dresser drawers and closet doors, trudging feet, mutterings and sighs peppered with curses. “I hate every g&*$#@n piece of clothing I own!” she yelled.  Not sure if that required a response from me, I wisely observed my right to remain silent.

But then, it got trickier.  We were close to being late (I hate being late), and her monologic mumblings seemed to shift into the dialogic sort.  “Man, have I gained weight,” she announced. She said this at the top of the stairs to be sure I heard.

Silence from me.  I ran the tap and filled a glass with water so she’d think I couldn’t hear her.

“Geez, I have really packed on the pounds lately,” she persisted.

I cleared my throat and rustled some newspaper.

Her tone approached the annoyed pitch.  “Rich, are you listening? I said I look stupid in my clothes.  I can’t find anything to wear.  I’ve gained weight!”  Not usually a whiner, she practically wailed.

Relationship readiness: Put the brakes on destructive relationship patterns/habits

For better or for worse, we’ve all learned how to be in relationships from observing the unions that surrounded us throughout our lives.  If you grew up in a family where faithfulness, compassion and commitment were top priorities, and conflicts were dealt with rather than swept away, you’re apt to bring these pro-relationship qualities to your marriage or relationship. If, on the other hand, you observed infidelity, deceit and intolerance, you may struggle with similar patterns in your own marriage or relationship.

The manner in which your caregivers responded to your needs will also impact how you relate to your partner.

For instance, imagine that whenever you wanted attention from your caregivers, they were short with you or seemed indifferent and preoccupied. You had the sense that you were burdening them. You learned that communication is futile and you began to ignore your own emotional needs.

Fast forward to the present. You’re in a committed relationship and you find that whenever your partner discusses how s/he feels about something, you become uncomfortable and feel impatient. Your reaction (or lack of reaction) is very upsetting to your partner and s/he begins to pull away from you. The relationship enters a danger zone.

In this example, the long arm of how you were responded to as a child is having a powerful impact on how you respond to your partner. Patterns from your past are shaping your present day relationship.

Past patterns often become present patterns.

The dangers of mind-reading

My wife Lucia and I were about to run out to do some grocery shopping over the weekend. Our two dogs were having a grand old time in the yard, chasing squirrels and running around like crazy. Even though our yard is fenced, we never leave Waffle and Socks outside when we’re not home (Waffle has escaped one time too many). Here’s a sample of our conversation (what we actually said to each other and what we were thinking during the conversation):