Relationship Tune-up

The simple beauty of doing things together

I realize I keep talking about the benefits of creating shared activities with your partner, but it’s so important to every relationship that I can’t say enough about this topic.

On the weekends, my wife Lucia and I probably spend half our time at our respective computers, working on our businesses. The work is inherently isolating and therefore our interactions are necessarily limited, except for my repeated requests about spelling and Lucia pointing out that it’s almost time for a meal/snack.

To compensate for the solitary nature of our work, we’ve developed a morning weekend routine of working together at coffee shops. Although we usually bring our laptops along, before we even boot them up, we eat together, talk about everything from the harrowing Six Feet Under episode we watched last night (we’re renting the DVDs…don’t spoil anything; we’re only in season 4) to our debate over whether or not to get another kitten. And then ultimately we get the time in needed for business. And I get the added benefit of people-watching (I’m especially curious about how couples interact and communicate).

Don’t save your support for the bad times: Celebrate your partner’s good news!

If you’re in a committed relationship, you’re probably already aware of how important it is to be supportive when your partner shares distressing news with you.  If your boyfriend calls you at work to tell you he just lost his job, I’m sure none of you would set the phone down while you finished eating your lunch (and while you could still hear him crying through the receiver).

Rich’s End-of-Summer Relationship Rant:

I recently read an online article purporting to divulge the “secrets” of successful marriages. Two of the secrets listed (drum roll, please…) were communication and treating each other with respect. Wow, the cat’s out of the bag now! Although, in all fairness, the article included several reasonable pieces of advice, as a reader I was disappointed. Where were the promised “secrets” this author had discovered?

The use of the word “secret” in relationship/marriage articles and books is a marketing ploy to get you to do what consumers do best—buy something. Further, it sends the message that once you discover the hidden gem that only the author knows about, your life will be forever changed. If there is a yet undiscovered, one-size-fits-all mystery to be unearthed about committed relationships, I’m yet to find it in my work with couples. Is it a “secret” that relationships take consistent effort and focused dedication in order to work well?  Is it a “secret” that holding on to intimacy over the life of a relationship is a challenge for most people? Don’t be lulled into the mindset that a simple secret will bring your relationship everything it needs. If you do, you’ll only be disappointed like I was when I read that good communication is one of the secrets of successful relationships.  (Huh, you mean talking to each other is good for a marriage?  Who knew?)