Have you ever related to your partner in a totally non-defensive, emotionally open way? If you have, in that moment you were vulnerable, expressive and receptive to your partner’s emotional experiences. You were free from the blockades that surround you—unencumbered by stereotypes and preconceived notions about masculinity. This level of intimacy probably felt great.
Unfortunately, these non-defensive episodes didn’t last (at least not as long as your partner would have liked). Like so many men, you probably cycle from patterns of emotional connection with your partner, to periods of disconnection (not necessarily total disconnection—think of connection and disconnection as running along a continuum). Why is intimacy so difficult to achieve? There is no easy answer. Parts of this complex puzzle include genetics, developmental influences, family and culture.
So is biology destiny? Are men trapped in an emotional straitjacket, unable to maintain a level of intimacy required by the relationship standards of the twenty-first century? I believe men can steer the course of their relationship destiny. But it takes ongoing vigilance and work.
Case in point: Yours truly. I grew up in an Italian-American family in Brooklyn, NY. In my neighborhood, the stereotype of “strong,” patriarchal men wasn’t just a stereotype, but was a way of life, deeply ingrained in the community. Men were seen as the dominant force in the family and wielded their power by being controlling and, at times, downright nasty. The mothers, sisters and daughters I knew deferred to these men, especially when they became angry. By all accounts, I should be a very different husband, a different person than who I am today. I’m not totally sure why I veered from the machismo that was such a part of my childhood and adolescence. But I did.
However, I haven’t totally eliminated the antiquated masculine traits that no longer serve me or my family. It’s a work in progress and may always be. For instance, I can easily feel helpless when I inadvertently upset my wife. In these moments, rather than experience shame for not living up to my self-imposed standards of what it means to be a “good” husband, I can become frustrated. Isn’t it easier to feel anger than feel like a failure? So rather than take responsibility for my reaction, I become annoyed with my wife’s response and get the urge to blame her for being upset. Talk about irrational!
To overcome this inadequacy-anger-blame reaction (a reaction that feels totally automatic and beyond my control), I’ve learned to do the following:
1. For a brief moment I need to tolerate feeling helpless and inadequate. (The guys reading this know how hard this can be.)
Tolerating these feelings means experiencing them without reacting in any way. You literally sit with these feelings and observe them without judgement. Men can easily feel helpless in their relationships that require them to be communicative and affectionate. So what happens to a man when he feels helpless? He thinks a danger exists. (Men are programmed to associate feeling helpless with danger.) And when we sense a threat we become physically tense, thereby feeding our motivation to eliminate and/or avoid the source of the threat—which in my case was my (irrationally-upset) wife. So when men mess up, we feel helpless and inadequate as partners. This reaction occurs at lightning speed, often too fast to be recognized, and is frequently masked by feelings of anger.
2. On your mark, get set, get ready to blame. Stop! And take Responsibility.
When I feel ineffective as a spouse, I feel inadequate and vulnerable. One solution adopted by many men when they feel inadequate is to shut down emotionally or look outside ourselves for what may be “causing” these intolerable feelings. When we do this we are pulled away from the real source of our frustration—our underlying feelings of incompetence as a partner. When you’re about to say to your partner, “Lighten up, you’re so sensitive!” or “You always get so upset over nothing; what is it with you?!”, bite your tongue and realize that you’re about to externalize blame in order to get rid of your own feelings of helplessness. Each time you move into a position of blame, you miss an important opportunity to discover the real reason(s) for your reactions—and you remain stuck. When you feel the impulse to blame, take this as a cue that you need to look inward—not at your partner’s reaction, but at your own. You’re probably struggling with underlying feelings of helplessness and inadequacy in these moments.
3. Discover a truth in your partner’s reactions.
Great job! You’ve tolerated feeling helpless and you understand that your anger was caused by your feelings of inadequacy. You’re now able to use the tendency to externalize blame as a cue for self-examination. After you’ve practiced this for a while, the next step is to change your perspective about why things go poorly in your relationship. This is a difficult shift to accomplish but is well worth the effort. To do this, you need to think of your partner’s reactions to you as a mirror, reflecting back a (partial) truth about who you are as a person. Ask yourself the following: Where is the truth in what she just told me? In her emotional reactions to me? How can I use my partner’s reaction/feedback to grow as a person and partner? What do I need to do to get back on track to create the type of relationship that’s important to me?
4. Maintain a Relationship Vision.
Let’s face it, no one is perfect and you’re going to mess up now and then. So is your partner. But don’t let your feelings of anger, caused by your feelings of helplessness, dictate your behavior. Now the final step: Hold a conscious vision of how you want to react and behave in your relationship. Each day make an effort to move toward this vision. When you take a step backwards, consider this an opportunity for self-discovery—you will discover how to tolerate feeling helpless, how you cover these feelings up with anger, and all the ways you push your partner away (often with anger) in an effort to avoid feeling inadequate.
Practicing these steps has helped me become a better husband (and I believe a better person). Making these changes takes practice. Don’t get discouraged by setbacks. Regroup. The important thing is to continue to slowly move forward.
Relationships require us to be emotionally available and supportive in ways that challenge what we’ve learned and internalized from our male role models. I’ve found that the traits I’ve acquired from my upbringing (and our culture) are often restrictive and smothering and prevent meaningful intimacy. The challenge for men is to discover ways to hold onto the traits of masculinity that we value, while exorcising the traits that erode the intimacy we all desire. To be in a healthy relationship you need to understand how the traditional versions of masculinity prevent you from being a considerate, compassionate and emotionally available partner without it feeling like you are required to abandon your entire identity as a man. Consider this a work in progress.
My wife reads your blog and recommended I read this one. At work (I'm a lawyer) I feel in control. While my job is stressful, our mission is always crystal clear. However, I DON'T feel this confident that often in my marriage. I'm become frustrated when things don't go the way I think they should (I realize I need to give up control) but I've never thought about it in the way you described it (feeling inadequate then becoming angry). I agree with you: I don't want to give up my masculinity and I also want to become a better husband. I guess thse two clash often. It was helpful to hear I'm not alone in this struggle. Please share more about your own struggles and how you handle them. Thanks
Posted by: Frank Esposito | July 22, 2007 at 08:52 PM