Relationship Tune-up

Forgetting to have fun can be hazardous to your relationship

“She used to be so much fun when we were dating.”  “He’s always so serious now and  everything’s a big deal…” These sentiments are all-too familiar for many couples. Let’s look at why couples may feel this way.

The world of dating is fun, but remember that it should be fun. By necessity, dating often involves compartmentalizing your life so that the time spent with your new partner is insulated from certain realities. Early in your relationship the time with your partner creates a sanctuary that removes you both from the stresses of life.  For many, the power of falling in love and beginning a new relationship is a transformative experience: Your boring job is less of an issue because you’ll see your girlfriend after work; The fight with you father will quickly be forgotten once you embrace your lover;  The anticipation of spending the weekend together dampens your fears about being able to pay your bills this month; The struggles with your adolescent child are temporarily forgotten during a highly anticipated romantic dinner. The way in which the two of you spend time together adds to this sanctuary: Movies, eating out, day trips, cooking special meals, organizing the day around having sex, talking for hours about everything and nothing, meeting each other’s friends. The time you spend with the person you’re dating often does not fully represent “real life” in all its ups and downs.

Successful relationships are well balanced

Two separate worlds seem to exist during this early stage of your relationship:  The time spent with your new partner and everything else. The everything else part of your life contains the mundane, stressful and everything in between. Work-related problems, conflicts with coworkers/bosses/family, paying bills, not making enough money, making enough money and still feeling unhappy, health problems, family illness, alimony/child custody conflicts from a previous relationship… As your relationship grows and matures, sooner or later these two worlds need to meet and blend.

The challenge for couples is to find BALANCE between the leisurely and pleasurable aspects of their relationship and these other realities of living. All too often, couples lose focus and stop creating the play-time needed for silliness, joy and abandon. For some, they make attempts to create such time but leave behind the attitude required to enjoy themselves and their partner.

The intensity and excitement early on in your relationship might have felt like a diversion from life as you previously knew it—but as your relationship grows, without mutual effort and planning, your relationship can begin to feel joyless.  When this occurs, your partner (and your relationship) may become associated with the stressful aspects of life. Finances, childcare stresses and discussions about the myriad of life’s inevitable issues predominate, infiltrating much of the time spent with your loved one.  Before you realize, balance is lost and—in the worst case scenario—the once coveted time spent with your partner may now feel like “the problem.” The sanctuary that you once found in your relationship is now found in time spent away from your partner.

To help recapture a healthy balance in your relationship, try the following:

1) Schedule time with your partner. During that time make it off-limits to discuss any topic that is taxing your relationship. Avoid the tendency to cancel these meetings when life’s pressures mount. Your relationship is probably one of your life’s top priorities—be sure to treat it that way.

2) Create a list of topics you need to avoid. Review each other’s list and come to an agreement about which issues to steer clear of.

3) Focus on what works in your relationship. Let the question, “What do I love and admire about my partner?” guide you.  Reminisce about the fun times and make a plan to reintroduce some of these enjoyable activities into your life. 

4) Cultivate a mindset of gratitude. Research has shown that intentionally focusing on the aspects of your life that you are grateful for can increase positive emotions. Regularly articulate the things about your partner and your relationship that you are grateful for. This will help foster positive feelings between you and your partner.

5) Discover and participate in activities that are mutually satisfying. One couple I know decided to take a cooking class together. While the husband was originally skeptical, he ended up enjoying the class more than his wife and they reported having a great time together.

And now here is the biggest challenge: Make this a regular part of your routine! Whether it’s weekly, biweekly or monthly, repeating mutually satisfying activities will go a long way in keeping the positive bond alive between you and your partner.

Relationship Passion Tip #3: The Joy of Teasing, Part II

Teasing Lost and Found—A Real Life Example:

Often couples wrongly believe that they have “outgrown” certain erotic activities that were once a part of their relationship. Jessica and Ronnie were one such couple.

Jessica and Ronnie told me that they “used to do crazy things” while dating.  Seven years later they described having a “good” sex life but hinted at a lack of excitement. As they continued, both recounted how they would drive each other into a sexual frenzy during the first two years of their relationship. It turns out that their “crazy” sexual behaviors involved a significant amount of teasing. When questioned about their current lack of teasing, Jessica (referring to the first two years of their relationship) said that she feels “too old to act that way again.” Before I had a chance to respond, Ronnie challenged his wife’s statement and said that he would welcome a return of some of their past sexual adventures.

In our next meeting Ronnie proudly shared how Jessica took him up on his offer! He stated, “She drove me absolutely crazy on the car ride home after our last meeting…” It turns out that Jessica hadn’t lost her ability to tease. She seductively teased her husband, slowly describing how she was going to make love to him later that evening. Ronnie joked that he became so aroused that he wanted to make love as soon as they got home.

It’s all in the Attitude. Jessica’s changed  behavior resulted from a shift in her attitude.  Once she altered her perspective (from believing she was too old to giving herself permission to be seductive), she began to feel and act erotically towards her husband. The resultant and dramatic changes in Jessica’s behavior illustrates how passion is first and foremost a mindset—a way of viewing yourself and your partner. Try giving yourself permission to act seductively with your partner even if you have trouble thinking of yourself as a sensual/passionate person. You may be surprised to discover how effective teasing can be in your relationship.

Look for Teasable Moments. When Jessica gave herself permission to become more playful and tease her husband, she observed something interesting. She reported that her changed attitude led her to discover that there were many “teasable moments” that existed in their relationship—situations that she would have overlooked in the past now became opportunities for her and her husband to sexually provoke each other. Teasable moments exist at every corner of your relationship. If you find yourself waiting for the right moment to tease your partner, chances are you’re missing opportunities that presently exist.

Men, Emotions and Intimacy

Research has shown that men and women communicate in different ways. When asked to talk about feelings they find uncomfortable, men become more distressed than women.  John Gottman’s research has shown that during arguments, men are also more likely to become physically overwhelmed than women, which can lead to avoidance behavior. Judging from these findings, you’d think that men are preparing for a punch in the stomach rather than an exchange of words with their loved ones. Let’s find out why.

In my work with couples I’ve frequently heard men describe themselves as feeling “more stressed” when faced with requests for greater intimacy (i.e., being more emotionally available and expressive). Let’s look at two reasons why you (or your husband/boyfriend) may feel overwhelmed when your partner asks you to really open up:

1) You may not have the tools to accomplish what is being asked of you.

For instance, you are uncertain about what you feel or you don’t know how to adequately describe your inner experiences. It’s possible that you’ve never been taught how to identify the subtle differences between emotions and/or you haven’t developed the language necessary to communicate your emotions. Therefore, the request for more self-expression makes you feel inadequate and you defend against this self-imposed inadequacy by becoming annoyed or shutting down.
 

2) You view the request for more emotional accessibility as a dangerous or irrational demand. 

Certain emotions make you feel vulnerable. These emotions may conflict with your self-image and collide with the values that you believe are essential to being a man. In order to openly communicate, you must first acknowledge and accept the existence of these feelings. Sharing adds another layer of difficulty for some men because once communicated, feelings become more tangible and harder to avoid. Many men find it tough to acknowledge how threatening this type of communication can be (yours truly included). 

More to follow on Men, Emotions and Intimacy…