Relationship Tune-up

How do you define a successful relationship or marriage?

Meet Ed and Betty:

Ed tells me that of course his relationship is successful—he’s been married to Betty for forty-seven years.  However, actions speak louder than words, and I notice Betty rolling her eyes while Ed speaks. The more Ed and Betty speak, the more they sound like strangers instead of two people who shared almost five decades together. It becomes clear that Ed and Betty have very different ideas of what a successful relationship is. They could have shared those ideas with each other all along—without my prompting—to learn more about one another and strengthen their bond. I’m not surprised that Betty ends the conversation with, “How sad—I wish we talked about this a long time ago.”

Ed and Betty aren’t alone. Most couples don’t map out their vision of a successful relationship. But all couples should.

What will a meaningful relationship look like for you? 

Here’s one method to help you answer this important question: Picture yourself and your partner in the far-off future. Maybe you’re both retired at this point, perhaps after having spent decades together. You’re living in your favorite place, enjoying life. One day you find yourself in a reflective mood and begin thinking about the history of your relationship. You wonder, “Was it successful?”

How would you know if your relationship or marriage was successful? A great deal of time together is just one way to gauge success, but it’s not a very good one. Think big—put quality over quantity.

What elements does a relationship need to possess for it to be successful to you? (While answering this question be as detailed as possible.)

Here are just a few items on my list:
Our relationship is successful because_______
We make each other laugh…often;
We make time for each other;
We work on appreciating what the other values;
We respect each other’s differences;
We develop and share mutual interests;
We openly share the positive and painful with each other;
We are compassionate to each other…

Your relationship deserves to have a vision and plan. Write it down and read it often. Add to this list and revise it as needed. Have your partner develop his/her own list and share your lists with each other.

Strengthen Your Relationship Through the Power of Empathy

One of the most important skills you bring to your relationship is the ability to meaningfully understand your partner—to empathize or to see the world through his/her eyes. Empathy acts as a bridge to your partner’s psychological and emotional world, thereby increasing understanding and intimacy.

Some people are natural empathizers. They easily assess a situation and can readily “feel” what it must be like for another person in a particular moment. Empathy involves the ability to both mentally understand another person’s perspective and to experience the emotional and physical reactions of that person. Moments of mental and emotional attunement are created in which you vicariously share your partner’s reactions. Not all of us, however, are natural empathizers.

Empathy can be difficult to achieve since your own assumptions, expectations and emotional reactions will color your perception of your partner—at times to such an extent that you lose the capacity to understand your partner. Moreover, hectic schedules and demanding obligations make it difficult to slow down and work on developing a true understanding of each other’s experiences.

Relationships comprised of partners who lack solid empathic skills start out in peril. If you are unable to empathize with  your partner’s experiences, you will frequently become confused and frustrated by his/her behavior. And your partner will repeatedly feel misunderstood and unsupported. Over time this will lead to anger and resentment—two emotions that can be harmful to your relationship—and conflict will become the norm.

The ability to be empathic is more important now than ever. While people differ in their inherent empathic abilities, the good news is that empathy is a skill and like all skills, it can be improved upon with practice.

The Benefits of Empathy in your Relationship:

1. You will feel less confused and frustrated by your partner’s reactions and behaviors.
2. Through the path of deeper understanding, you will feel closer to your partner.
3. You will experience a greater appreciation of your partner.
4. You will feel more compassion toward your partner, and your behavior toward him/her will reflect that.
5. Your partner will feel deeply listened to, appreciated and supported.
6. Your partner will feel closer to you.
7. The mutual trust and safety so vital to your relationship will continually be strengthened.

Practice being Empathic in your Relationship:

Improving a skill takes practice. The mindset that mutual understanding should be automatic and transparent (and not require ongoing effort) is dangerous to the long-term health of your relationship. Take the time and energy needed to improve your empathic ability and your relationship will become stronger. 

1. Give you partner permission to have her/his own reactions. As the differences between you and your partner become apparent over time, so will the frustrations inherent in some of those differences. Very often dissimilarities are viewed as obstacles rather than assets that bring life and energy to a partnership. Establish a daily intention to challenge yourself any time you think your partner “should” be feeling a certain way. Establishing intentions that acknowledge and appreciate differences can be a powerful means to change. Repeat to yourself: “She is not me. She’s her own person with her own way of seeing the world. She has every right to her reactions.” After repeating this to yourself several times, do everyone a favor and repeat it another ten times. As is the rule when you learn any new skill, consider repetition the rule of thumb in changing any attitudes that prohibit empathy.

2. Become mindful of your reactions. Your own emotional reactions can quickly pull you away from an empathic stance. This is especially relevant if you’re someone who wants to quickly solve any problem your partner maybe facing. However, many problems cannot be easily fixed and your partner may not need you to immediately enter into problem-solving mode. If you are uncomfortable with your partner’s emotional reaction relating to a particular event, your discomfort may manifest as a physical stress response that is difficult for you to tolerate. (I hope you men are listening!) To help you enter into an empathic mode of listening, it is necessary to regulate your emotional and physical responses. Take the steps necessary to relax any physical tension you may be experiencing as you listen to your partner. Preparing this beforehand can help you be more empathically present. And don’t forget that you are offering something of great value through your attempts to fully comprehend your partner’s experiences.

3. Consider how you would respond when faced with similar circumstances. Being empathic is easier when your own responses correspond to your partner’s. For instance, if your husband was chastised by his boss and he is angrily recounting the events of the day, you might respond, “Oh, what an idiot he is! He’ll realize he was wrong soon enough.” Since your reaction is mirroring your partner’s, he may feel listened to and supported by you. When your reactions are similar to your partner’s, use this as a bridge to communicate understanding and appreciation . A heartfelt, “I can see why you’re feeling so excited/sad/etc…” can go a long way in making your partner feel understood.

4. Using your ability to imagine what it must be like for your partner.  Very often your partner’s response will differ from your own. That’s part of being in a relationship. True empathy involves the ability to imagine what it is like for your partner, independent of your own response. If your partner is nervous about trying something new (something  you don’t find intimidating), suspend your immediate reaction and imagine what it must be like for her/him. While you might not understand why this particular situation is causing your partner to feel afraid, you do know about  the experience of fear (or joy, excitement, anger, sadness, etc).  Practice being empathic by remembering a time when your reaction was similar to your partner’s, even though the events that led up to your  reaction differ.  It isn’t necessary to share the details of your personal experience at that moment; instead, use your emotional reaction (the one that parallels your partner’s) to give you a better appreciation of what it is like to be your partner in that moment. 

5. Look at the “big picture” of your partner’s life.   This is something you can do when you’re having a difficult time comprehending your partner’s reactions or to better understand the support that is needed. This is what therapists do. Therapists take a thorough history, often asking questions about a person’s childhood, looking at the quality of parental and family relationships, the impact of painful and positive experiences, and the like. This helps a therapist build a bigger picture in which to better understand the particular way a client experiences the world and deals with stress.

You know a great deal about your partner’s past life. Unlike a therapist conducting a formal history, the ebb and flow of information you and your partner share occurs naturally over the course of the relationship. You probably know more details about your partner’s life than anyone else. That knowledge can be helpful in improving your empathic skills. (Please note: I am not suggesting you play therapist in your relationship. Don’t interpret your partner’s reaction by saying something like, “I don’t think you’re only upset about your boss.  It goes much deeper than that—you’re reacting to your boss like you did to your father…”  You might as well draw up the divorce papers!)  The goal is for you to use the knowledge about your partner’s past to achieve greater understanding of his/her present day reactions—reactions that may not initially make sense to you.  There is no standard formula in how to accomplish this. However, asking yourself, “Does his reaction make sense considering what he’s been through?” can help guide you.

6. When unfinished emotional business blocks empathy.  I once knew a guy that would become annoyed at his wife’s exuberance and expressions of joy. He would constantly accuse her of “over-reacting.” Rather than sharing in her love of life, he would recoil and act like a stick-in-the-mud. The rest of us preferred to use our empathic skills in order to share in the gifts of hope and optimism she often expressed. Her husband’s response was confusing to all of us until my friend shared a piece of information about her husband’s life. She told me that whenever her husband became excited as a child, he would be severely punished by his abusive, alcoholic father. Now I had a way of understanding his reactions, even though they were inappropriate in the current context.

If you are unable (or unwilling) to empathize with you partner’s experience,  the cue to your resistance may involve unfinished emotional business from your past (just like my friend’s husband). Your partner’s reaction might be triggering a defensive reaction that blocks you from being fully present.  If you’re unable to open yourself up emotionally in order to share in your partner’s experience, ask yourself questions to tease out the reasons for your defensive stance. Some straightforward questions, such as, “Why is this so difficult for me?” and “Is this reminding me of something painful from my childhood?” might do the trick.

Good luck at strengthening your relationship through greater empathy!

Richard Nicastro, Ph.D.

www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com

Communication Rx: Don’t forget to accentuate the positive

Consider this interesting research finding that I think is relevant to all of us: Couples counseling that focused mainly on improving communication and problem-solving skills helped reduce negative forms of communication but did not lead couples to feel emotionally closer to one another.(*)

Think about it this way: If you feel there’s a void in your relationship, and if you focus solely on reducing the negatives in your relationship—while undeniably helpful in reducing a certain amount of relationship distress—that void may persist. More is needed to increase the intimacy you and your partner share.

The sharing of positive intentions and emotions is a simple way couples can become closer. Start by asking yourself the following:

What specific steps can you take to better understand your partner? Are there ways you can communicate this understanding? (Remember, if you say, "I understand what you’re saying," but your partner clearly is not feeling understood, then it is your responsibility to find ways to achieve and demonstrate a greater understanding of your partner’s needs.)

What is it about your partner that you admire and respect? (Brainstorm a list without censoring yourself.)

Which specific characteristics that initially drew you to your partner might you now be overlooking?

What is it about your partner that you would never change, under any conditions?

If you’re planning a family, which personality traits and values does your partner have that you hope your children possess?

Answering these questions alone is the first step. Then, invite your partner into the process by asking him/her these same questions about you. If you like, compare notes and notice the emotional atmosphere this creates.

Periodically revisiting these questions (and others you might come up with) can help you stay mindful of all that is constructive about your relationship. Be creative in taking the steps to communicate these positives with your partner on a regular basis. For instance, if you’re married to someone who makes you laugh, don’t only laugh at her jokes—go a step further and tell her she has a wonderful sense of humor. After all, what do you have to lose?

If intimacy (feeling close to someone emotionally) has been missing in your relationship, making efforts to attune to and communicate the positives that already exist can be a pathway to increasing intimacy overall. If you have a strong emotional connection with your partner, I bet you’re already doing some of what is suggested above, even if you’re unaware of it—keep it up!

*(reported in Couple Treatment, by J. Nelsen).

Positive Psychology in Action

I met Jean at a workshop we both attended a few years ago. During breaks and over lunch, we had occasion to discuss several things. She is a wonderful storyteller and I was struck by the way she described her late husband. They were married for over forty years, and Jean said a part of her would always miss him.

I asked her what she was most proud of about their relationship. She listed several positive aspects of the relationship she enjoyed, thought for a while, and listed more. One story in particular has stayed with me over the years: Jean recalled that before she was married her mother told her to frequently communicate appreciation to her husband ("Men like a lot of praise," she had said; I agree with that, but I would include women in that statement, too). Jean never forgot this and she informed me that "this was the best advice my mother ever gave me."

Jean took her mother’s suggestion one step further. A lover of words, Jean did not want the same words of praise to lose their intended impact through overuse. Therefore, she searched the dictionary and thesaurus for new words to communicate the love and joy she felt toward her husband Leo. At some point she shared this with Leo and he began doing the same thing with her. She joked that it felt like they were back in English class as they enjoyed their Sunday morning ritual of reading the newspaper and looking up special words to convey their feelings.

Jean deliberately found ways to demonstrate love and affection in her relationship. Just as important, I think, was Jean’s and Leo’s shared goal of nurturing intimacy throughout the life of their relationship.

Action step: Set the intention to discover ways to establish relationship-goals (beyond planning birthday celebrations and vacations) that you and your partner can incorporate into the life of your relationship. And don’t make the mistake of dismissing what you might think are minor ideas as you wait for a big one to strike you: Remember, small changes can result in meaningful leaps in intimacy.