Relationship Tune-up

Relationship Problems: Are you having a hard time listening to your spouse/partner?

Is your brain being programmed not to listen?

I recently read that neuroscientists (people who study the way the brain works) are speculating that ongoing exposure to the Internet may actually alter the wiring of people's brains—especially all those young developing  brains that spend hours being inundated with multiple streams of information.

After reading this I did an informal survey and I asked people if they feel that they've had more difficulty focusing. I also asked about the amount of stress they're dealing with, as well as the amount of time spent on the Internet. Not surprising, people who spend several hours a day surfing the net complained that it has been more difficult focusing on tasks that require sustained concentration—even when they feel stress isn't a factor in their lives. 

And each person agreed that their concentration problems have spilled over into their marriage or relationship.

Without a functional attention span you cannot be attentive to and listen to your partner

Distressed couples often complain that the communication process has broken down in their relationship and, more specifically, that their partner is no longer listening.  Communication issues are often listed as the top reasons couples seek out counseling and are a major contributor to marriage problems.

If the information age is creating brains that are best able to efficiently absorb small and multiple bits of information, then a likely outcome will be that more and more couples will fall prey to communication problems—after all, doesn't every speaker need a listener who will concentrate for more than minute at a time?

Focused attention: The antidote for the distractible spouse 

If exposure to thousands of quick, alternating bits of information is re-programming the concentration centers of your brain (which is great for multitasking, but terrible for long, meaningful conversations), wouldn't it make sense that tasks that require you to steady your focus would do the opposite and end up helping your concentration? 

Research shows that different meditative practices offer numerous health benefits, including improved concentration.  Part of the meditative practice involves learning to focus your attention, for instance, by narrowing your awareness on the rhythms of your breathing. In a sense, you're retraining the muscle of attention to focus rather than remain the victim to the fleeting sensations that surround you.

I believe this has direct implications for couples who struggle with information overload and are now having difficulty slowing down to listen to one another. And I don't believe you have to commit to a full-blown meditative practice to reap the benefits of improved concentration.

Marriage Prep: helpful (and not-so-helpful) questions to ask about your relationship

Every day people are preparing for life's challenges—studying for a test, practicing for a job interview, reviewing for the big work presentation, etc. Unfortunately, all too often, this better-to-be-prepared-than-blindsided mindset doesn't follow people into their relationships. Preparing for marriage or a committed, long-term relationship (especially one where you'll be cohabitating with your partner) is an important step in acquiring the tools needed to navigate the complex terrain of love and intimacy. 

When it comes to romance, many people seem to take one of two approaches:

They blindly jump into a relationship and hope for the best

or

They seek a guarantee that love will last. 

Both approaches are problematic.

The first leaves you ill-equipped to handle what's ahead, while the second prevents you from being open to and appreciating the mysteries that will unfold right under your nose.

Certainty and love don't mix.

April wanted pre-marital coaching—at least she thought she did. It quickly became apparent that she wanted to know if her fiancé was "the right one" before she was willing to take the next commitment step. She was frozen in fear, frozen by her need for certainty.

The "Is s/he the right one for me?" question can become a hurdle to a fulfilling relationship. The question assumes that there is one person out in the universe who can magically fit into your life—someone who would be perfect for you. When you get stuck on this question, in essence you're searching for a pre-fabricated soulmate, someone so compatible and attuned to your needs that your relationship is destined for success.  Most long-term relationships succeed because of hard work and consistent effort by both individuals, not because someone happened to find "the right one."

Such a mindset can only set the stage for disappointment and disillusionment.

When you hear yourself asking, "Is s/he the right one for me?", take a deep breath and replace this question with the following:

~ "Does this person appear committed and dedicated to putting in the time and effort required to build a life together?"

~ "Do we share similar goals and a relationship vision that will allow us to work together as a team?"

~ "Which intellectual, emotional, physical and spiritual needs do I want met in a relationship? Are these compatible with my partner's needs?

~ "What incompatibilities exist and can I accept these differences?"

A note about compatibility--

Think of compatibility as running on a continuum:

not at all____________slightly___________moderately____________highly
compatible                compatible                compatible                 compatible

There will be areas of your relationship where you and your partner lack compatibility, areas where you're slightly compatible, and areas where you are moderately and highly compatible. Having a range of compatibilities and incompatibilities is perfectly normal.

Rather than focusing your energies on the broad question, "Are we compatible?" it might be more helpful to list all the areas of the relationship where you're incompatible, slightly compatible, etc.  Hopefully, you'll be moderately and highly compatible in the areas of the relationship that are most important to you.

Don't worry if you and your partner lack compatibility in places that aren't that important to you. For instance, if you enjoy lingering in coffee shops in your spare time and your partner prefers hiking, you both can get these needs met by spending time alone or with friends who share similar interests. This isn't an indication that something is missing in your relationship. Remember, it's rare for couples to be highly compatible in all areas of their relationship.

Interests versus compatibility

There is a difference between you and your partner having divergent interests and being incompatible.  Couples who have rewarding relationships often use their differences to infuse their relationship with vibrancy—you can learn to appreciate and admire these differences or you can fight them. The choice is yours.

On the other hand, couples who lack compatibility in core areas see the world very differently from each other and over time these incompatibilities can erode the fabric of the relationship. This usually occurs when there is no longer an overlap in a couple's core values and beliefs.  

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Are your friends hurting your relationship?

You exist within a web of relationships. For instance, if your friend is going through tough times, you may find yourself feeling an emotional heaviness throughout the day, thinking and worrying about your friend. As this colors your mood, your partner may start to notice that lately you've been preoccupied and down. Since emotions are contagious, this will impact your partner in some way and her/his interactions with others may now be different as a result of what your friend shared with you. 

How is this relevant to your marriage or relationship?

Your relationship exists within a larger social context, and your friends, coworkers, family, and even the society in which you live can directly or indirectly impact your relationship. Think of your relationship as one link on a never-ending chain of connectedness.

This was evident with two couples I recently coached:

A brief story of marital support:

Molly and Jeff have been together for eleven years. Both are retired and have been active participants in their local community and volunteer for numerous causes. This involvement has offered them opportunities to develop friendships and socialize with other couples.

Molly joked that their friends "saved our marriage on at least two occasions" because of the support they offered Molly. She shared, "If Jeff and I are going through a difficult time, for whatever reason, I don't feel alone. I have at least two other women I can talk to who have been through difficult times but they're still happily married…I know I'm not alone in my struggles and that makes a world of difference. And I have a few single friends who are supportive of my relationship and committed relationships in general, even though they're not in one now. All that encouragement among my friends really helps whenever I start to worry that the challenges of a romantic relationship might be too much for me."

A brief story of relationship isolation:

Tad and Wanda have a very different story. Living together for a little over a year, Wanda complained that "all of our friends seem to be getting divorced or breaking up. It's depressing and makes me think there's something wrong with me for trying to make my relationship work. When I try to talk to my friends about a fight I had with Tad, they just tell me to 'find someone better-suited to you,' or 'relationships are overrated anyway.' The whole 'there are lots of fish in the sea' mindset isn't helpful when I'm trying to make my relationship work now."

Tad and Wanda lack the couple-to-couple support that is vital for a sustainable, long-term relationship. They both struggle with feeling like the "oddball couple" in a sea of failed relationships (and they don't have any single friends who are pro-relationship)—and both acknowledged that this was starting to negatively impact their union.  

Relationship Quick Tip: A simple way to get him to listen

When communicating with your husband or boyfriend, try to hold onto this simple fact about men:

Your man wants to please you

and

He can easily feel like a failure

When a woman feels hurt, she seeks out the support of others—when a man feels hurt, he feels like he has lost control and failed someone. Men often cope with these feelings by shutting down emotionally. So when you tell your husband or boyfriend, "We never go out anymore" or "You used to buy me flowers, what happened to Mr. Romance?" he hears, "I'm unhappy and you've failed to make me happy."

Emotionally, this message is devastating for men (though he'll never admit it) and to cope with feeling like a failure, he will do what he does best when under stress: withdraw from the source of pain in an effort to protect himself.

You can use this information to facilitate communication. Choose your words wisely. So when you talk to your guy, try not to focus on what's lacking. Rather than saying, "We never go out anymore" (which he'd hear as, "You're really messing up") try, "You'd make me so happy if we could go out to eat this weekend."

Focus on the positive impact his behavior has on you ("I love it when you…"). Also highlight the specific behaviors that he's done in the past that you'd like him to repeat more often. Don't assume he already knows this—when it comes to relationships and intimacy, guys do best with a detailed blueprint that spells out how to make you happy.


Until next time,

Rich Nicastro, Ph.D.
www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com 

How to defuse an argument

Arguments and conflict are a natural part of intimate relationships. Whenever two people live in close quarters and allow themselves to become vulnerable with each other, sooner or later misunderstandings and conflict are likely to result.

When handled with tact and sensitivity, conflict can have an important function in your relationship or marriage. A conflict can help clear the air of pent-up resentments; it can act as a powerful form of communication that lets your partner know what is important to you. Conflict can even pave the way for smoother times, giving your partner a blueprint to better understand your needs.

When conflicts become too intense, a cycle of attack and counter-attack prevents any real communication from occurring. Arguments that are repetitive and spiral out of control offer no benefit for the couple. The goal should therefore be to keep the level of intense emotions that accompany conflict manageable.

In its simplicity, this may seem like an easy task. However, keeping your cool in a heated moment requires a great deal of resolve. You will need to listen to your partner's message and show that you understand his/her position. (This of course doesn't mean that you give up your position in the argument.)

3 steps to defusing an argument:

1. Place your opinion temporarily on hold (easier said than done, especially if you feel that you are being treated unfairly) and take a few deep breaths to relax your body (physical tension is common during arguments and will only fuel your frustration—you can even call a momentary time-out if you're feeling too overwhelmed).

2. Tell your partner or spouse that you want to understand his/her perspective. To really listen, you must step outside your ego and put a stop to any thoughts that criticize your partner for her/his position. Try to become authentically curious about why s/he is having that particular reaction.

3. Look for the kernel of truth in your partner's position—the truth that exists in your spouse or partner's perspective. Maybe s/he feels that you've been inconsiderate in some way or that you haven't been keeping up with your share of the household responsibilities. Whatever the case, your partner's viewpoint feels totally valid to him/her and trying to dispute this will only increase the divide between you. So listen carefully and work toward understanding, rather than formulating a counterattack.

We all want to feel understood, especially by our loved ones. When statements of understanding begin to enter into the conflict, you'll be surprised at how quickly the intensity of the argument decreases. And with a decrease in emotional intensity, the stage will be set for more effective communication to occur.

Until next time,

Rich Nicastro, Ph.D.
www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com